As is tradition, we at News from Rockettopia have decided to take a moment to remember 2014. So here are the stories that, in a few decades, we will tell our grandchildren about, as well as the ones we will try to forget. But mostly that second one. So, in no particular order...

  • Frozen exploded into culture! Everyone was singing 'Let it go', and now no one ever wants to hear that song again.
  • ISIS (Also known as ISIL, Daesh, the Islamic State, Terrorism's JV Team, Those Psychos, The Worst People to Invade Iraq since Cheney and Rumsfeld, etc.) literally exploded things in Iraq and Syria. ISIS is a militant Islamic extremist group that has committed [Insert all of the most horrifying atrocities that you can imagine, and then add more] and is still at large. Even more than usual, I suggest not taking a vacation in Syria over February break.
  • Okay, so over winter break I took a vacation to the border of al-Qaedia-controlled Syria. So what?
  • Race relations in America broke down with the murders of unarmed black men like Michael Brown and Eric Garner. Actually, race relations in America were fucked up to begin with, but it took us decades to notice. I have no idea why. I also have no idea why, overall, white people think that racism against whites is worse than racism against blacks. I have a whole rant about this, but that is not for today.
  • The worst Ebola outbreak in history killed thousands of people in West Africa. The outbreak is ongoing, but now that white people are no longer dying, it's apparently not a big deal.
  • The entire nation freaked out about Ebola despite dozens of statistics such as these:
    • No one who contracted Ebola in the United States has ever died. Never. Anyone. However, I predict that they will die given a few decades.
    • Twice as many Americans have been married to Larry King as have contracted Ebola.
    • The same number of people have contracted Ebola in the US as have married Kim Kardashian. I'm not sure which is worse.
    • Yeah, you get it, four is a small number, and three recovered.
  • The Republicans beat the Democrats in nearly every race and took complete control of Congress. This would have shaken my faith in the American public, except that our response to Ebola had just destroyed that faith entirely.
  • Obama responded by essentially telling the Republicans to kiss his ass and then reforming immigration and ending the embargo against Cuba.
  • Vladamir Putin annexed Crimea invaded Ukraine. President Obama responded by decisively lying down and rolling over on his back.
  • Social pressures propelled the Ice Bucket Challenge to great success, proving that human beings sometimes accidentally do good things while trying to impress each other.
  • People who are terrible people got to see Jennifer Lawrence naked. This is why I hate having morals.
  • The Interview, a film in which Seth Rogan and James Franco assassinate Kim Jong-un, outraged the North Korean leadership. People haven't been this angry about a movie since the last time Seth Rogan appeared in one. Sony was hacked by someone - no one's sure who, the movie was kind of released, Obama made one of his strangest speeches ever, and all kinds of other things happened that were, in all likelyhood, much funnier than The Interview.
  • Scotland nearly declared independence, but the vote failed, so let's just move on.
  • The government of Mexico has been collapsing as a result of public anger from, among other things, the kidnapping and murder of 43 students.
  • The Senate Intelligence Committee released a report on America's torture program, which included things that are somehow worse than the stuff I dreamed up. For more information, see The Spanish Inquisition.
  • After Hamas began firing rockets, Israel invaded Gaza. Although the thousands of deaths resulting from the conflict would generally rank among the worst things that happened in a year, 2013 is an exception because see above.

I also highly suggest the Youtube Rewind 2014.