The American people collectively exploded in indignation this week after the tragic deaths of Cecil, a large, predatory cat and HitchBOT, an inanimate object.
The first to die was Cecil the Lion, a Zimbabwean tourist attraction, who was killed on July 1st 2015, but whose death was not reported until last week. Cecil was lured out of Zimbabwe's Hwange National Park and shot with a crossbow. Forty hours later, he was finished off with a gun. Cecil was then beheaded, skinned, and left to rot. The perpetrator of this travesty was Walter Palmer, a dentist from Minnesota. Palmer is believed to be the second most evil dentist of all time, just ahead of Dr. Christian Szell and right behind your dentist. Since the news of Cecil's death and the identity of his killer broke on July 28th, Palmer has been forced to close down his dental practice and go into hiding as a result of massive public outcry and death threats. Ty Inc., the makers of Beanie Babies, has announced a Cecil the Lion Beanie Baby, the profits from which will go to a conservationist charity, making thousands of Americans stop and ask, "Wait, Beanie Babies are sill a thing?" Three US Airlines, American, United, and Delta, have announced that they will no longer ship certain hunting trophies, at least until we all forget this sometime next week and cease to care. Yesterday, Cecil was even honored as part of a million-dollar light show at the Empire State Building.
Only days later, as the country was still reeling from the death of an animal that no one had heard of before last week, Americans were shocked again when it was discovered that HitchBOT, an object that was taken from place to place by humans, was dismembered in Philadelphia. HitchBOT had already hitchhiked 3,600 miles across Canada, and traveled in Germany and the Netherlands, but was unprepared for the mindless destructiveness of Americans. Starting in Boston, HitchBOT made it for two weeks and 300 miles before vandals sent his creators an image of him headless and dismembered in a pile of trash. This was after he had survived Bostonians and New Yorkers. The Internet has since been expressing outrage and snide commentaries, mainly boiling down to "You know you're fucked up when your country contains more mindless, directionless hate than Germany".
The combination of these two acts of pointless savagery has finally pushed America to the breaking point. The country has survived a corrupt government with no connection to reality, a string of mass shootings, and the periodic murders of innocent minorities by law enforcement, but the deaths of a fierce predator and an electric trashcan were simply too much to bear. "I'd been hearing all this stuff about 'black lives matter' and 'climate change' and 'mexican drug wars' and 'ISIS Genocides'," a Rockettopian citizen told News from Rockettopia. "but that poor killing machine and that hamper with speech recognition really got to me. What is the world becoming?" Many have speculated that the outcry over the deaths of Cecil and HitchBOT have been because they had names, however NAACP activist LaSheefa Jones told us that this is not the case. "Black folks have been naming their children for years. That hasn't made rich white folks care when they get shot by cops."
In related news, members of the black community have reversed their previous statements and now wish to be treated at the very least as well as animals.