With the Super Tuesday primaries coming up tomorrow and real estate mogul Donald Trump expected to win most of them, Americans are today enjoying their last day of imagining that Donald J. Trump will not be the Republican nominee for president. For the past few months, Americans have watched the eccentric joke candidate grow ever scarier and ever more plausible, even winning the last three primaries. With a new CNN poll showing Trump at 49%, Americans likely have only one more day of pretending that this racist prune covered in dead grass won't be an actual candidate in the general election. Americans are partying like there's no tomorrow, because after Super Tuesday, we will have to accept that there may not be. Attendance at entertainment venues from amusement parks to strip clubs are up by hundreds of percent as Americans take their last moments to enjoy the time before we nominated a ninety-year-old Martin Shkreli clone for America's highest office. We sent a reporter to the Boobie Bungalow, a local gentleman's club, to investigate the celebrations. He's been gone six hours and isn't back yet, but we've received texts from him reading,
"Everythings crazy here. ppl are partying like the worlds ending. one of the girls told me thats b/c it is. then she gave me a lap dance and let me lick her tits. b/c trump is going to be the nominee so nothing matters anymore she said"
"Hey Chad get over to the boobie bungalow! My boss sent me to report on the massive party thats going on here! turns out they have free admission and free drinks b/c trumps about to be the nominee & the world's gonna end!"
"srry disregard my prev text wrong #"
"now one of them is giving me a hanjob while im moterboating another! theyve really thrown away the rules b/c of trump! I AM NEVER LEAVING!"
Bars are expecting a similar uptake in attendance on Wednesday following Trump's anticipated win, as millions of Americans attempt to forget that our country is now a global laughingstock.