Studies at the Rockettopia University, which is known worldwide as a prominant player in the field of low intelligence, have vigorously tested previous research on unintelligent creatures such as flatworms and Ann Coulter, and come through with flying colors. Planarian flatworms, simple organisms with no brain to speak of, are capable of learning and remembering behaviors. The study also confirmed that planarians are capable of remembering things that they have learned despite having their heads cut off. Unlike earthworms, if a planarian is cut in half, both halves will regenerate into full planarians, and apparently retain their memories and learned behaviors.
Ann Coulter, by contrast, is a right-wing pundit and frequent Fox News contributer. She is also the least intelligent vertibrate ever recorded. Coulter returned to the news this week when she wrote an article condemning Football [Soccer] as a sign of America's 'moral decay'. According to Coulter, "If more 'Americans' are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time." This kind of trash is so irredeemably stupid that I think no explanation is necessary.
With this recent outburst, it only makes sense that the Rockettopia University would include Coulter in their study of low intelligence, along with planarians, nematode worms, box jellyfish, and aomebas. Coulter was determined to be roughly on the order of the planarians in terms of intelligence. Scientists found that if they locked Coulter in a room and delivered a light flash followed by a strong electric shock, they would get a lot more funding for their research. In addition, Coulter would learn to anticipate the shock based on the light flash and blame Obama and liberalism for the shock even if no shock occured. The researchers state in their paper that they were originally planning to cut Ann Coulter in half and see if two new Ann Coulters would be formed, and if so, whether both would retain the developed association, but they decided that this would be horrific and unethical. According to the lead scientist, "It is absolutely unacceptable to risk unleashing another Ann Coulter upon the innocent and unsuspecting human race. One of her is already one too many."