Following a US airstrike on a Doctors Without Borders hospital in Afghanistan that killed nearly two dozen people, the Department of Defense expressed puzzlement about the resulting outrage. In a press conferance earlier today, US General and man has one week tops left at his job John Cambell wondered why now, of all times, the public would care about the routine massacres of civilians by the United States overseas. "We've been indiscriminately bombing countries like Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Somalia, Iraq, and more for years. Why have people suddenly started to care?", the general asked. "And why, dear god, did it have to happen under MY watch?" Cambell raises a good point. America has been bombing countries like this, originally with manned aircraft and then more recently with unmanned drones, for years. "Back in 2013, we bombed a WEDDING CONVOY in Yemen. Yemen, a country that we aren't at war with and that most Americans can't even locate on a map! And no one gave a shit!", Cambell pointed out. "So why the fuss over this new atrocity?" Cambell declined to point out that later that same year, American jets accidentally bombed the Great Barrier Reef during a training exercise. The bombs were unarmed, no damage was done, and it's totally irrelevant to the point, but we thought you really should know that.

Later, in a press conferance in front of the White House, President Obama expressed sadness for the loss of innocent lives stemming from the attack. "Our thoughts and prayers go out to the victims of this tragic attack that we ourselves conducted. The American people can rest assured that a mistake of this magnitude will not happen again. The next time that your tax dollars are used to kill children in a foreign country, it will be by drone strike, as is the proper method for comitting atrocities. Given the public's attitude on our civilian massacres, I'm sure that will make everything okay."

An official in the Department of Defense, who did not wish to be named, stood up to defend America's overseas operations. "People will say after this that we're just like the Taliban, that we also kill civilians, blah blah blah blah blah. Bullshit! The Taliban target civilians for murder; we don't give a shit one way or another, we just kill everyone. On the flip side, the Taliban only kill civilians who are in some way opposed to them. Again, we don't waste time figuring out who our strikes hit. We just kill, kill, kill and apologize later. Not like the goody-two-shoes doctors can complain anyway; they're fucking corpses now."

When asked for comment, Republican presidential candidate Jeb! Bush said simply, "Stuff happens", while his fellow candidate Donald Trump let loose a stream of incoherant, racist gibberish. Reporters are unsure of he was responding to the question or simply talking as usual.