Yesterday, Americans viewing CNN discovered, to their surprise, that the Democratic Party is apparently taking this whole 'election' thing pretty seriously. Those viewers who did not immediately move on after realizing that Donald Trump was not going to appear were subjected to two hours of meaningful debate about the issues facing America, rather than rambling, shouting, and personal attacks. Viewers described being "shocked and horrified" when presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders said of the scandal dogging his opponent Hillary Clinton, "The American People are sick and tired of hearing about your damn emails! [...] Enough of the emails, lets talk about the real issues facing America!" Sanders has apparently failed to realize that a good politician attacks his opponents using overblown scandals, rather than defending said opponents. By the end of the debate, the few brave viewers who had stuck all the way through said, variously, that "It was just a dare from my friend!", "Jim Webb is my uncle", "Lincoln Chaffee is my uncle!", "I fell asleep", "I never gave up hope that Donald Trump would somehow end up on stage", and "I was tied to a table".

Although the outcome of the debate in regards to polling is unclear, Lincoln Chaffee has already seen his support base grow from "imaginary" to "very, very small". Jim Webb, by contrast, has had to fend off conspiracy theorists who claim that he is the same person as South Carolina senator and Republican presidential candidate Lindsey Graham. Supporters of the theory point out that the two candidate look similar, have both served as southern senators, are both vaguely racist, have somewhat similar positions, poll at similar levels, and have never been seen together. (Okay, there is at least one clearly doctored photograph and one fake video of them together, but that's not the point!) The growing crowd of believers call the theory 'Jimsey' and tweet with the #JimseyTruth. Neither candidate has yet responded to their tweets.

Regardless of the fate of Graham/Webb's candidacy, the debate signals the start of the real democratic race, which will probably be very boring unless Lincoln Chaffee demands that his polling numbers be measured in metric.