With the news this week that the National Security Agency, or NSA, has all of our personal information and communications in a giant database, the question was raised, "What the fuck are they doing with all that?" The answer: Providing dating advice. In an attempt to improve the public impression of government spying, NSA officials are now encouraged to give dating advice to the people whose emails and phone calls they listen in on, said an anonymous source. "Sometimes when an employee sees someone who's really screwing up their relationship, it can be hard for a government employee not to offer suggestions.", the leaker from his hiding place, supposedly somewhere in Bhutan. "Now they don't have to hold back." Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel did not attempt to deny the NSA's new vocation. "I personally am glad that all these stolen personal records are finally being put to good use.", Hagel said.