Earlier today, in some remarks regarding the actual, honest-to-god remarks made by Donald Trump suggesting that his rival Hillary Clinton should be assasinated House Speaker Paul Ryan told witnesses, "Everything's going to be fine, Reince. Step away from the edge." Ryan continued, speaking from the roof of the Republican National Headquarters in Washington DC, "I know that right now it seems hard, but things will get better! Just trust me, take a few steps away from the edge, and we can go work this all out."

"Look, Chairman Priebus, this has been hard on everyone. And I know that because a lot of people thought it was your job to deal with Tru-... the problem, they blame you. But they're wrong; it's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done. Now if you just agree not to do anything permenant, we can go downstairs and discuss this over ice cream."

In response to a comment from a bystander stating that the situation was "Unsalvagable", "the end of the party", and "I can't live with this anymore!", Ryan stated that he felt the same way sometimes, and that just the other night while he was polishing his guns, he had thought about putting one in his mouth and ending it all, but he had kept going because the fight is not yet over. "Now if you'll take the gun away from your head, we can sort this all out... Yes, Reince, I know that guns don't kill people, but that doesn't mean you should point them at yourself. How about we call Phil Robertson? He always makes you feel better!"

Following another bystander comment, Ryan stated "I know it's hard. I know that the pain feels like it will never end. But it will! This too shall pass. Think about your favorite person in the world. Yes, him! What would John Galt do in a situation like this? When the government tried to impose unjust restrictions on the makers of the world, and to stop him from completing his plan, did he give up? No, John Galt kept going, and he didn't let politicians or academics or laws or basic human morality stop him! You have to be like that! Things will get better, just step away from the edge, and trust your friend Paul."

As of press time, Ryan was making promises that they would go together to see a friend and sort this whole thing out.