Lord Roose Bolton of the Dreadfort and King Balon Greyjoy of the Iron Islands both died this week of a fatal convenience deficiency. Greyjoy's death was a tragic accident: he fell from one of the bridges connecting the towers of Pyke. That is the official story according to the late king's brother and possible heir Euron Greyjoy. Euron Greyjoy has since returned to the Iron Islands suspiciously quickly after years in exile, and may have even arrived before his brother died. However, we have been told by high-placed sources that Euron's return and king Balon's sudden deaths are merely coincidental. We have also been told in gruesome and explicit detail exactly what will be done to our families should we suggest otherwise.
But king Balon was far from the only powerful figure in Westeros to die of convenience this week - lord Roose Bolton has also tragically passed away. The North, which House Bolton recently acquired after
betraying reconsidering their allegiance to the Starks of Winterfell, will now pass to lord Roose's son, Ramsay Snow Bolton. According to House Bolton press secretary Willam Karnoll, Lord Roose's last words to his son, shortly before he was murdered by his enemies, were "You will always be my firstborn." Anonymous sources have also reported that, shortly before his death, lord Bolton advised his son that "If you acquire a reputation as a mad dog, you'll be treated like a mad dog, taken out and slaughtered for pig feed.". We have also been informed in extremely graphic detail the fates of our families should we suggest that the late lord Roose was murdered by a close family member with a name beginning with 'R'.
We at News from Rockettopia don't generally like to take sides in political fights, especially ones involving people who could have us murdered at a whim, but we have to say this much: House Bolton is much better at laying out the consequences of writing the wrong thing than House Greyjoy. The intern who read their letter - which was written in what we hope was red ink and signed with a sketch of a dead baby - is still recovering. We wish him the best.
Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of those who have died this week. Our congratulations also go out to specific members of the families of those who have died this week.
Correction: The letter we received from House Bolton detailing the sensation of being skinned alive was, in fact, written in black ink and signed normally. We seem to have confused it with the letter which we received from the Cruz campaign after we covered the brief sex scandal that involved Sen. Cruz. News from Rockettopia apologizes for this error.