The morning of the much-anticipated Florida primary found senator Marco Rubio ritually preparing himself for the coming election. Rubio began by having his entire body scrubbed of all dirt and other contamination. The junior senator from Florida, now completely naked, was then then massaged with the seven sacred oils as incense burned around him. "I am brave. I am strong. I accept my fate." the presidential candidate was heard to murmur as the nude vestal virgins braided is hair and covered his entire body with ritual oils. Rubio ended his purification by fully immersing himself in a sacred bath, which signifies that he is prepared for whatever may come on this election day.

Upon emerging from the bath, Rubio was met by a staffer, who reportedly said "Your volunteers await, my noble senator." After a moment of contemplative silence, Rubio responded, "Bring me my sword. I shall make an honorable end to this campaign."


Senator Rubio contemplates the fickle nature of fate as he prepares for the Florida primary