The last two days has seen the world abuzz with one of the weirdest controversies in living memory: the color of what has become known simply and ominously as "The Dress". Some simple research demonstrates that patient zero began infecting tumblr users on February 25th, 2015. The outbreak spread with shocking speed - by February 27th, The Dress was on news programs and was discussed across Rockettopia High School. The author of this article witnessed two separate arguments over the color of the dress on a single trip to a drinking fountain.

The dress in question, which, let's face it, you've already seen, is obviously white and gold but appears blue and black to people who aren't very good at perceiving color. Confrontations between those who believe that the dress is white and gold, known as "Golds", and those who for some reason believe that the dress is blue and black, known as "Blues", have become violent in the last eight hours. The Blues currently control the deserts of the math department, far-off lands of the world language department, the small but rich history department, and the English department tundra- basically the entire new building - while the Golds have taken the swamps of the music department, the graphic design forest, the endless plains of the gym, and the art department highlands. Fierce fighting has devestated the hallways that connect the old building to the new building. In an act of stunning savagery, the heretic Blues recently burned a student who dared question their archaic beliefs. The Blues claim that another picture of The Dress proves that it's blue and black, despite the fact that the picture is clearly of a different dress (You can tell because, unlike The Dress, the dress in the picture is blue and black), and even if it was the same dress, the picture is not accepted as canon by the vast majority of the Dress community.

Since the conflict began, the school administration has been holed up in the offices and still claims to be the legitimate leadership of the school, a claim which any observation of the situation will easily refute. They have issued a statement calling the entire issue "silly" and saying that the color of a dress is "not worth killing each other for". This is true, because the dress is clearly white and gold and it's silly to say otherwise. However, the administration later stated "The whole thing is absurd, but you know, the dress is actually blue. It's kind of clear." They will be purged with the rest of the heretics.

This reporter hopes that the fighting will end soon. Either the Golds will see reason or they and all other heretics will be slaughtered like dogs. One way or another, it will end.

Thirty seconds before the shooting started