Republican frontrunner and presidential hopeful Donald Trump is reportedly in a fit of ecstasy following another tragic terrorist attack for him to shamelessly exploit in his ongoing bid for power. "Yess! My wishes have come true!", the billionaire and mange-ridden orangutan impersonator told a reporter from the Wall Street Journal earlier today. "Paris was great - did tremendous good for my campaign! And now another Paris? This will give me a huuuge boost - you wouldn't believe it. And I'm the best at stoking fear and hatred, you know I'm the best." Trump has skyrocketed to the top of the GOP race despite - or perhaps because of - proposals to ban Muslims from entering the US, suggestion of a database of all Muslims in America, promises to bring back waterboarding and "a hell of a lot worse", and more. The attacks in Brussels earlier today are sure to give Trump even more material. "This is the most tremendous, spectacular, thing that could happen!", Trump said. "And with primaries literally today - even better! My results will be ten, fifteen, twenty points above polling because of this, you know they will. My results are the best. People love me."

Trump's hateful fearmongering threatens to eclipse the hateful fearmongering of other GOP candidates. Senator Ted Cruz in particular pre-empted Trump by immediately expressing a need to empower law enforcement to patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods before they become radicalized." Perhaps with this blatantly fascist and xenophobic statement, Cruz will finally succeed in topping Trump's exploitation of innocent deaths and secure his rule. But as Trump himself said, he is "the best at stoking fear and hatred".

A few hours after his initial statements, the Trump campaign issued an official statement: "Donald J. Trump expresses his great condolences to all those affected by this godsend tragedy. In light of such acts of aggression against the West by all 1.2 billion Muslims, Mr. Trump will continue his shameless exploitation of terror and tragedy in the service of naked personal ambition and megalomania regardless of the consequences efforts to keep his future adoring subjects the American people safe from the threat of Islam."