As the outrage and chaos continues in Mexico after the kidnapping of forty-three students last month, concerned travelers have begun to cancel scheduled trips to Alaska. Despite the assurances of various public leaders that Alaska is sufficiently far away from Mexico that it is not threatened by the Mexican political strife, travelers have opted to 'take it safe' and avoid the entire north American continent. "So it's thirty-two hundred miles from Mexico City to Juneau." a nervous traveler told us, "I still don't think it's safe to get near something so dangerous." When we asked an agent from the travel planning company Travelocity, he told us, "It's completely absurd. Alaska is separated from the Mexican unrest by both the mainland United States and Canada, neither of which have recently had any outbreaks of local civil war. Just because the mayor of Iguala [A town near Mexico City] sold 43 college students into slavery to a drug gang, which resulted in him becoming a fugitive, rioters burning down the Iguala city hall and attempting to burn down the state capitol building, and the governor resigning - just because that happened doesn't mean that Alaska is unsafe. IT'S THREE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED F**KING MILES. We have fact-checked his statement and, although we have been unable to substantiate his claim that the distances between Mexico and Alaska are engaging in sexual intercourse, his sentiment seems accurate. There is no outstanding danger to visiting Alaska right now - although, given the season, the trip might be a little sub-par.
We would also like to take this opportunity to warn our readers against traveling to Africa. Remember, Johannesburg, South Africa is only thirty-three hundred miles from Monrovia, the center of the Ebola outbreak.