In preparation for the inevitable mass shooting that will soon strike Rockettopia High School, students at Rockettopia High School today were introduced to ALICE, a security protocol to ensure minimum deaths in the event of a mass shooting. "Given the incredible academic stresses placed upon students at Rockettopia High and the loose gun laws in this country, it's a foregone conclusion that at some point, some kid will snap and open fire," the principal of RHS told us. "When this does happen, we want everyone to be ready so that at most, half a dozen of our students die by the hand of a classmate."
ALICE, a program developed to cope with the all-too-common danger of a crazy person shooting up a school or workplace, consists of five steps. The first step, A for Alert, is to agknowlege that a student you might know and study with has gone berserk and now wants to kill you. Despite the hearing constantly on the news about such events, RHS students might have trouble internalizing the fact that it is happening right now and that they are probably about to become a statistic, and then a talking point, and then a fading memory as next week a different mass shooting grabs the spotlight. The 'L' stands for lockdown - use furniture to barricade doors, because if our school is going to behave like a war zone, it might as well look like one too. More importantly. Containing the inevitable shooting is vital to minimizing the number of funerals that will soon be held in our shattered town. The 'I' stands for 'inform': Police, families, and EMTs should be informed about the shooting. They will probably be expecting it, because in this school half the students are already being pushed to mental breakdowns. It's actually kind of amazing that a mass shooting hasn't happened already. The 'C' stands for 'Counter'. Students were instructed to make noise and throw things at the shooter in order to reduce his ability to aim. After all, a thrown iPhone is a decent counter to an AR-15, right? Finally, the 'E' stands for 'Evacuate'. Technically, this means that in the event of a shooting, students should escape as quickly as possible. However, in practice this means leaving right now and finding safety in a country where being shot at is not a predictable part of the education experience.
The NRA expressed a grudging approval of RHS' response plan. "We created a national environment where 'being shot by a classmate having a psychotic breakdown' is a completely legitimate fear for a high-school student," NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre told News from Rockettopia. "Now it's time to deal with the consequences. The NRA would obviously prefer to arm all teachers, students, and class pets, but this is nonetheless a step in the right direction."