During his acceptance speech last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump - a phrase that none of us seriously thought we'd ever have to write - briefly revealed his secret True Form to the GOP convention attendees. Trump began his speech by thanking the delegates - or "You poor, poor mortal lambs", as he put it - for giving him the nomination. "I said in a CNN town hall that as president, 'I will be so presidential you won’t believe it'.", Trump told the RNC. "That debate, by the way, got huge ratings because of me. Tremendous ratings. Ted Turner called me afterwards and said 'Thank you for the ratings, Donald'. He won't say so in public, but he did, believe me, he said it. I get the best ratings and everybody knows it. And even when I'm serious and presidential, I'll still get the best ratings. And I'll be so good at being president, you won't believe it. Like this."
Trump was then surrounded by a cloud of glowing midnight-black smoke and what looked like a swarm of locusts that materialized from the convention stage. As the sound of a thousand voices chanting in a language older than time reverberated across the Quicken Loans Arena, every crucifix in the room shattered into thousands of tiny pieces. And given that this was the Republican National Convention, that was a lot of crosses. Labels reading "Trump" in gold sharpie appeared randomly on objects around the room, seemingly seared on by a tremendous heat. Then, without warning, the turbulent vortex surrounding Mr. Trump dispersed, swirling outward through the convention-goers and forcing them to cover their eyes. When they looked back, they beheld Trump's True Form.
Two of Trump's assistants then dragged a bound, gagged, and naked Clinton staffer onto the stage and quickly scurried back. "Not great, she's only an eight, tops", Mr. Trump said in a voice like a volcano with a head cold, "but she'll do." Trump then began wrapping his hundreds of arms around the struggling Clinton campaigner until she was completely obscured by the nominee's writhing, leathery, tangerine-colored tentacles. For a moment, the reality show star turned politician's eyes glowed like blindingly shiny gold, before he released the lifeless, emaciated remains of his victim. "Tonight", Trump concluded by telling the awed delegation, "You have received a glimpse of what I will do to America!"
Unfortunately, there is no footage of Trump's True Form, as all film exposed to it turned into frivolous court summons while the digital cameras recording Trump's speech just spit out text files containing only the words "Make America Great Again", written over and over.
When asked if seeing Trump's true form had changed his mind about supporting the nominee, soon-to-be former House speaker Paul Ryan reiterated his stance that Hillary Clinton must be defeated at all costs. "Even if the streets must run red with blood and tanning spray. AT ALL COSTS!"