Culture

It's that thing that old people are complaining about.

Sean Penn to Interview Hero of Upcoming Film

April 13th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Renowned actor[citation needed] Sean Penn announced today that, in preparation for his new upcoming movie Angry Birds, he will continue his illustrious career in journalism by interviewing the hero who provided the inspiration for the film. The hero in question being, of course, Osama bin Laden. After being informed that bin Laden is dead, and has been for some time, Penn reportedly responded "That's what THEY want you to think!", and proceeded to begin interrogating a waterlogged corpse that he had been keeping in a crate. After a few days of bin Laden's corpse failing to respond to questions with anything other than a growing stink, Penn was forced to admit that bin Laden was either dead or very unintrested in answering questions.

Penn then travelled to Pakistan to interview bin Laden's successor, Ayman al-Zawahiri. However, Zawahiri refused to meet with Penn, citing the actor's record of destroying things that he was involved with. When asked if he was referring to Penn's interview with Joaquin 'el Chapo' Guzman, which resulted in Guzman's arrest by Mexican authorities, Zawahiri clarified that he had meant The Gunman, Pauly Shore is Dead, and Gangster Squad, but he supposes that the Guzman incident was bad too.

In Angry Birds, an upcoming film that presents an allegory for the September 11th, 2001 attacks from the perspective of the terrorists, Penn plays a large red bird named Terrance who basically just grunts angrily. In the allegory, he probably represents either Saddam Hussein or Dick Cheney, but that's still unclear. Terrance may also just be Sean Penn being himself.

Angry Birds stars Jason Sudekis, Josh Gad, and Danny McBride as the titular angry birds. When the birds are provoked by some fat, decadent pigs, they stage an all-out assault on the pig infrastructure using themselves as projectiles. In the game which inspired the film, the rage-fueled birds sacrifice themselves in sometimes-explosive suicide attacks, killing thousands of unarmed pigs. The pig leader's referance to 'nucular weapons' also strongly suggests a real-world analogy.

Angry Birds is scheduled to be released on May 20th, 2016.

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Autism Speaks Changes Name to Autism Parents Yell

April 3rd 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Following Autism Awareness day yesterday, the global Autism hate advocacy group Autism Speaks has finally acquisced to pressure and changed its name to 'Autism Parents Bitch'. Autism Speaks has been widely criticized by actual autistic people for being a bunch of parents trying to 'fix' their children. To be fair, these criticisms are a completely accurate description of Autism Speaks, which is probably one of the few charities that seems to genuinely hate its victims benificiaries. The most major instance of Autism Speaks taking flak was in 2009, when they created a video entitled 'I Am Autism', which looks less like a PSA than a cheap fearmongering youtube video produced by a eugenics group - which when I think about it is exactly what it is (They've since purged the video from the internet, so you'll have to take my word for it). Autism Speaks has also recieved well-deserved loathing criticism for their early advocacy of the completely discredited pile of festering horseshit idea that vaccines somehow cause autism, and the implicit suggestion that autism is a fate worse than death. Autism Speaks is also notable for not having a single actual autistic person on their board of directors. They did once have John Elder Robinson, the autistic author of Look Me In the Eye and other books, but he resigned in 2013 after realizing that he was helping to direct a hate group. Autism Speaks has been most widely criticized for their research into a 'cure' for autism, apparently not realizing that we already know how to remove a person's personality; it's called a lobotomy, and we stopped doing them for a reason.

After all this, it almost makes sense that Autism Speaks has opted to change their name. "We now recognize that actual autistic people have spoken, and they want us to shut the fuck up.", Autism Speaks founder Suzanne Wright told News from Rockettopia. "It's time for us to agknowlege what we really are: a mob of parents who see our children as 'broken' and in need of 'fixing', rather than accepting who they are." Wright shrugged. "If our kids were gay, we'd probably force them to undergo conversion therapy."

Autism Speaks has also released a statement that this epiphany will not in any way carry over to future articles about Autism Speaks.

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On St. Patrick's Day, Americans Celebrate Irish Contributions and Culture- No, Just Kidding, It's Booze

March 17th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Today on St. Patrick's day, millions of Americans took a moment to remember both St. Patrick and the numerous achievements of the Irish people- we're just shitting you it's booze. Obviously. Americans celebrated St. Patrick's day by drinking copiously, drinking more, vomiting, incoherently hitting on shrubbery, and drinking. In other words, Americans did what we would probably do every day if it wasn't for basic social norms. Despite great prejudice, the Irish made great contributions to American industry, culture, and politics, which Americans celebrated today by knocking back a pint of Guinness while wearing green to celebrate their imaginary Irish roots.

However, many Irish-Americans didn't share in the fun. The Ancient Order of Hibernians, which despite the name is not an organization of bears that secretly the world, takes issue with the characterization of Irish culture on St. Patrick's day. The Ancient Order, which I refuse to believe isn't a front for the Freemason Illuminati Templars, has called for an end to products and advertisements that they see as antiquated and racist. We do not believe that Amazon would allow the sale of a product emblazoned with "_____ TODAY HUNGOVER TOMORROW" if that blank was filled in by any other ethnic group, the Order said in a press release, referring to multiple products that fucking exists. One of the less well-thought-out products bearing the intoxication-inducing quip is a large folding knife. Seriously. Ancient Order chairman and suspected secret cabal leader Aidan O'Flannery told us, "To be straight with ya, all this almost makes me wish for the days when we were starved, overworked, and denied jobs. That was nobly bearable, this be just humiliating. And would ye stop writin' me words with yer shitty fake accent!", he added, "I'm speakin' to ye with me native Boston words!"

Americans will have to get their drinking in quickly, because after this it's cold turkey. At least until Cinco de Mayo, when we celebrate Mexican culture with tacos, sombreros, guacamole, and drinking. Oops! Forgot Passover, where we presumably celebrate Jewish culture by drinking, wearing furry hats, braiding our hair, and probably hoarding money or something. It's almost as fun as MLK day, where we all eat watermelon and fried chicken and listen to lots of gangsta rap!

And best of all is the Fourth of July, when we celebrate American culture, which is obviously what all of this really represents.
That and excruciatingly heavy-handed satire.

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Yale Faculty Contravercially Refuse To Tell Students What To Do

November 9th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Faculty at Yale University are recieving a heated backlash and pressure to resign after expressing the contravercial position that elderly, out-of-touch people should not be telling snake people what to do. In an email to students at Sillimans College, a college in Yale University which she supervises, Early Childhood Education lecturer Erika Christakis told students that it was not her place to issue specific guidelines on what halloween costumes are appropriate, and that as mature adults, the students are able to make informed choices for themselves. In her email, the former preschool teacher courted contraversey by refusing to treat college students like preschoolers. "I don't, actually, trust myself to foist my Halloweenish standards and motives on others.", Christakis said in her email. "[...]Whose business is it to control the forms of costumes of young people? It's not mine, I know that."

In the days since, Mrs. Christakis and her husband Nicholas have been attacked, sometimes literally, by hoardes of students apparently demanding that adults exert more control over their lives. A particularly spectacular example occurred when Mr. Christakis was yelled at and cursed at by a mob of enraged students. We at News from Rockettopia assume that the Christakis' have been constantly thinking "I can't believe this is happening. I'm surrounded by idiots." over the past week, but it's possible that they are somehow above that. Certainly, Mr. Chistakis' tweet in response to the video, in which he says, "No one, especially no students exercising right to speech, should be judged just on basis of short video clip.", suggests so.

Tensions only escelated after, in a private conferance about free speech, author Greg Lukianoff said, "Looking at the reaction to Erika Christakis's email, you would have thought someone wiped out an entire Indian village." The remark quickly found its way onto social media and when they left the conferance, attendees were met by hundreds of students and chants of "genocide is not a joke". Apparently, the students failed to realize that Lukianoff's statement wasn't so much a joke as a completely accurate description of the events of the preceeding week. The crowd was held back by Yale police but hurled insults at the conferance attendees and spat on them (I wish I was making this shit up). One minority attendee was called a 'traitor'.

None of this is in any way to discount actual racial issues that still pervade America, even at an institution so aggressively multicultural as the 72% < white Yale University. According to one report from a week ago, which is actually AFTER this whole mess got started, minority students attempting to attend a frat party were barred from entrance and told that the party was 'white girls only' The fraternity in question? Sigma Alpha Epsilon, because of course it was, they're awful. (On the other hand, the bouncer was arguably doing the minority girls a favor, as SAE is notorious for its rape culture.) Maybe the student groups should be doing something about this instead of swearing at faculty who dare treat them like responsible adults. Just an idea.

Further Reading

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American Public Torn Between Hatred of Rape, Kesha

November 5th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

As 'music' star Kesha put forward an impassioned plea to be allowed to record music without here accused-rapist producer Dr. Luke, the American people were torn between their hatred of rape and their hatred of Kesha. This comes after months of public litigation and accusations between Kesha, her producer and noted slimeball Lucasz 'Dr. Luke' Gottwald, and Sony Records, which I am proud to say I had zero knowlege of until ten minutes ago. Since filing a lawsuit in October of last year claiming that Gottwald had repeatedly sexually assaulted her during their ten-year collaberation, and Gottwald's subsequent countersuit alleging defamation, the 'singer' and her producer have been embroiled in legal hell. Over that time, Kesha has been unable to sing, tour, or sell merchandise, which she worries will rehabilitate damage her reputation. In a release two days ago, Kesha(or rather, her lawyers) said that if she could not resume recording soon, her career would be 'effectively over', leading to conflicting emotions among the American public. "On one hand", some random guy on the street told News from Rockettopia, "what has been done to Kesha is awful, and if these allegations are true, she has been horribly mistreated. On the other hand, if this is a chance to prevent Kesha from ever releasing another record, well, as they say, 'Don't look a gift horse in the mouth'."

Other random people on the street had similar internal conflicts over the Kesha-Luke issue. Hating Dr. Luke, we were told, is easy; any english-speaker who spells his name 'Lukasz' and goes by the title 'Dr. Luke' is unbearable just on those grounds alone. However, sympathizing with Kesha is proving to be much more difficult. On one hand, we were told, she claims she experianced ten years of sexual assault. On the other hand, this is the person who shoveled atrocities such as My First Kiss, Dinosaur, and (this is true)Blah Blah Blah onto the world.

Despite this, Kesha continues to talk about how this legal fight could end her career, apparently unaware that this is viewed by the American people not as a potential catastrophe but as a bribe. If Kesha really wanted to get the American public on her side, she could simply arrange for all music stations to play nothing but her music in solidarity. That would resolve her case in only hours.

However, there was nearly-univeral agreement that no matter how aggregious Kesha's crimes, after a few minutes of soul-searching, the American people would stand behind her. There was also a universal agreement that we never, ever, ever want to face this choice with Nikki fucking Minaj.

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PAUSE Club Controversially Questions Holiday Honoring Mass Murderer

October 12th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

On Columbus day this year, Audacity College's PAUSE club, which I assume stands for something, held a small rally with the controversial theme that a five hundred year old mass murderer should not be honored with a national holiday. The group set up a display of local Native American culture and also, for some reason, covered a statue of a different explorer with copies of the academic honesty policy with the word 'PLAGERISM' written on them. But their most controversial proposition was that perhaps it was time to retire a holiday honoring a clueless, genocidal psychopath who was lucky enough to discover a land that had already been discovered at least once before, five hundred years prior to his arrival. Others have pointed out that it's kind of weird to say that this maniac 'discovered' anywhere, considering that there were already people living in the places he 'discovered', who he proceeded to massacre.

In an interview with News from Rockettopia, the leader of the PAUSE club said of Columbus, "This is a man who misjudged the side of the earth by a factor of roughly four. This is a man who would have killed every person on his expiditon had he not luckily run into some islands. This is a man who's first thoughts upon encountering the friendly, welcoming people of the Bahamas was 'they would make good slaves'. This is a man who later did just that, and ended up wiping out an entire ethnic group. This is a man who was so cruel, that the Spainish - the fucking SPAINISH - arrested him for his crimes against the natives! Perhaps we shouldn't be revering this guy quite so much?" Many people across the United States appear to agree, and today has seen numerous instances of vandalism of Columbus statues, most notably one in Detroit which took an axe to the head.

However, this attitude is not universally accepted. Most notably, a few decades ago, noted Boston Globe columnist Jeff Jacoby claimed that, and I am not fucking with you here, "[Columbus] was also the man who sowed the seeds of Western civilization in the New World -- a world that until then had known little more than superstition, slavery, and savagery." and "Only the culture that made possible an Age of Exploration could make possible 'We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men are created equal.'", lines which somehow did not result in Jacoby being fired from the Globe for racism. In fact, he still is somehow allowed to write a Globe column to this day. As a sidenote, Columbus day was originally established to celebrate Italian-American heritage in 1792; Columbus presumably having been chosen because more ethically sound Italians such as Benito Mussolini had not yet arrived. Perhaps next year will see the end of Columbus day, but let's face it: So long as they get their iPhones, cheap gasoline, assault rifles, and Big Macs, Americans don't give a shit.


by xkcd

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CPS Sweeps Bankus Hall for Drugs; "This is totally going to work" says Chief

September 24th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Just hours ago, Audacity College Campus Public Safety, or CPS, performed a surprise sweep of Bankus hall, looking for hidden alcohol, drugs, other drugs, still more drugs, and also alcohol. According to CPS chief Hank Mann, "This is totally going to work. We are going to go through Bankus Hall, find all the drugs that are there, and there will never be a drug problem at Bankus again." As of the time of this writing, Bankus Hall once again reeks of pot.

An update on the ongoing Weeping Angel crisis. The Angels are still contained in Lyman, but according to reports, the Department of Alien Studies is hard at work brainstorming solutions to the Angel problem. This has been confirmed by repeated paper airplanes that have flown out of the Alien Studies office, along with giggling and puffs of smoke. We at News from Rockettopia are getting somewhat impatient with the AS Department's glacial pace in dealing with the Weeping Angel issue.

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Relations Between Miley Cyrus, Nicki Minaj Tense Following VMA Incident

August 30th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

International observers have expressed concern following yesterday's confrontation between Miley Cyrus and Nicki Minaj at the MTV Video Music Awards. The incident occurred during Minaj's acceptance of the Best Porn Set To Music, just after she had thanked her pastor (Apparently she has a pastor). Minaj, a piece of plastic augmented with human implants, called former child star and current pop culture reference Miley Cyrus a "bitch", apparently in response to Cyrus' comments the previous day. According to firsthand accounts, Minaj then asserted her dominance by shoving her new award completely into her vagina, pulling it out, and shouting "Suck on that, whore!", but by this time the frantic editors at MTV had cut to commercial break.

It has now been nearly twenty-four hours, and tensions are still high. For the moment, the conflict has failed to escalate beyond small exchanges of tweets, but the situation could still intensify further. As international relations experts expert Laura Blumenfeld told News from Rockettopia when we contacted her, "Who the fuck are you guys? It's two in the morning! Uh huh, uh huh... Wait, you want my opinions on what? You gotta be fucking with me. I'm going back to sleep, and if this is you Hillary, you better watch your personal email servers very carefully."

As things stand now, Cyrus and Minaj are facing off, with neither willing to make the first move. Cyrus has deployed construction equipment near Minaj's secret lair in Malibu, a move which she calls "defensive". Meanwhile, Minaj has been seen with large amounts of dangerous reptiles, and no, we do not mean her fans. She has said in her defense that she only aquired the reptiles because she enjoys being surrounded by scaly, cold-blooded eating machines with very little brain and the papparazzi can't be everywhere at once. According to an expert who appeared today on MTV, if Minaj wins the potential conflict, Cyrus could always flee to Sweden, which has declared Nicki Minaj's ass an "unknown and potentially dangerous material" and banned her from entering the country until research can be conducted.

As this political quagmire continues, we will continue to bring you coverage until we get bored.

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America Outraged Over Senseless Murders of Predatory Cat, Inanimate Object

August 4th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

The American people collectively exploded in indignation this week after the tragic deaths of Cecil, a large, predatory cat and HitchBOT, an inanimate object.

The first to die was Cecil the Lion, a Zimbabwean tourist attraction, who was killed on July 1st 2015, but whose death was not reported until last week. Cecil was lured out of Zimbabwe's Hwange National Park and shot with a crossbow. Forty hours later, he was finished off with a gun. Cecil was then beheaded, skinned, and left to rot. The perpetrator of this travesty was Walter Palmer, a dentist from Minnesota. Palmer is believed to be the second most evil dentist of all time, just ahead of Dr. Christian Szell and right behind your dentist. Since the news of Cecil's death and the identity of his killer broke on July 28th, Palmer has been forced to close down his dental practice and go into hiding as a result of massive public outcry and death threats. Ty Inc., the makers of Beanie Babies, has announced a Cecil the Lion Beanie Baby, the profits from which will go to a conservationist charity, making thousands of Americans stop and ask, "Wait, Beanie Babies are sill a thing?" Three US Airlines, American, United, and Delta, have announced that they will no longer ship certain hunting trophies, at least until we all forget this sometime next week and cease to care. Yesterday, Cecil was even honored as part of a million-dollar light show at the Empire State Building.

Only days later, as the country was still reeling from the death of an animal that no one had heard of before last week, Americans were shocked again when it was discovered that HitchBOT, an object that was taken from place to place by humans, was dismembered in Philadelphia. HitchBOT had already hitchhiked 3,600 miles across Canada, and traveled in Germany and the Netherlands, but was unprepared for the mindless destructiveness of Americans. Starting in Boston, HitchBOT made it for two weeks and 300 miles before vandals sent his creators an image of him headless and dismembered in a pile of trash. This was after he had survived Bostonians and New Yorkers. The Internet has since been expressing outrage and snide commentaries, mainly boiling down to "You know you're fucked up when your country contains more mindless, directionless hate than Germany".

The combination of these two acts of pointless savagery has finally pushed America to the breaking point. The country has survived a corrupt government with no connection to reality, a string of mass shootings, and the periodic murders of innocent minorities by law enforcement, but the deaths of a fierce predator and an electric trashcan were simply too much to bear. "I'd been hearing all this stuff about 'black lives matter' and 'climate change' and 'mexican drug wars' and 'ISIS Genocides'," a Rockettopian citizen told News from Rockettopia. "but that poor killing machine and that hamper with speech recognition really got to me. What is the world becoming?" Many have speculated that the outcry over the deaths of Cecil and HitchBOT have been because they had names, however NAACP activist LaSheefa Jones told us that this is not the case. "Black folks have been naming their children for years. That hasn't made rich white folks care when they get shot by cops."

In related news, members of the black community have reversed their previous statements and now wish to be treated at the very least as well as animals.

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Sectarian Violence Erupts Over Color of Dress

February 27th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

The last two days has seen the world abuzz with one of the weirdest controversies in living memory: the color of what has become known simply and ominously as "The Dress". Some simple research demonstrates that patient zero began infecting tumblr users on February 25th, 2015. The outbreak spread with shocking speed - by February 27th, The Dress was on news programs and was discussed across Rockettopia High School. The author of this article witnessed two separate arguments over the color of the dress on a single trip to a drinking fountain.

The dress in question, which, let's face it, you've already seen, is obviously white and gold but appears blue and black to people who aren't very good at perceiving color. Confrontations between those who believe that the dress is white and gold, known as "Golds", and those who for some reason believe that the dress is blue and black, known as "Blues", have become violent in the last eight hours. The Blues currently control the deserts of the math department, far-off lands of the world language department, the small but rich history department, and the English department tundra- basically the entire new building - while the Golds have taken the swamps of the music department, the graphic design forest, the endless plains of the gym, and the art department highlands. Fierce fighting has devestated the hallways that connect the old building to the new building. In an act of stunning savagery, the heretic Blues recently burned a student who dared question their archaic beliefs. The Blues claim that another picture of The Dress proves that it's blue and black, despite the fact that the picture is clearly of a different dress (You can tell because, unlike The Dress, the dress in the picture is blue and black), and even if it was the same dress, the picture is not accepted as canon by the vast majority of the Dress community.

Since the conflict began, the school administration has been holed up in the offices and still claims to be the legitimate leadership of the school, a claim which any observation of the situation will easily refute. They have issued a statement calling the entire issue "silly" and saying that the color of a dress is "not worth killing each other for". This is true, because the dress is clearly white and gold and it's silly to say otherwise. However, the administration later stated "The whole thing is absurd, but you know, the dress is actually blue. It's kind of clear." They will be purged with the rest of the heretics.

This reporter hopes that the fighting will end soon. Either the Golds will see reason or they and all other heretics will be slaughtered like dogs. One way or another, it will end.

Thirty seconds before the shooting started

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New Movie Fifty Shades of Grey Presents Hope for Acceptance of Abusive Relationships

February 15th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Trigger Warnings: Sexual Abuse. Because Fifty Shades of Grey.

The film Fifty Shades of Grey opened to massive crowds yesterday, giving hope to those in abusive relationships who strive for their love to be accepted. Fifty Shades is the story of Anastasia Steele, a virginal college student who meets billionaire Christian Grey. She falls in love with Grey, and he coerces her into engaging in his kinky torture sex fetishes. (I warned you about the trigger warnings) These include Wait, you actually highlighted this to read the details? Seek help now.. The Fifty Shades movie has, for the most part, received fairly positive reviews simply because the book set the bar so low. If the movie hadn't been better than the book, theaters would have refused to show it. However, some reviewers have manages to cut through the exceeding of their low expectations to remember that this movie is still terrible. Phrases like banal and degrading, "a dull, decorous affair, about as erotic as an ad for Pottery Barn","about as sexy as a root canal", and many more have been used to describe Fifty Shades. As an About.com reviewer writes, "The fact that Fifty Shades is ostensibly about sex isn't what makes it bad, though: It's all the stuff in it that James' original un-original work that screenwriter Kelly Marcel (Saving Mr. Banks) didn't have the foresight, the energy or the authority to remove that makes it not merely bad but actively dangerous." The movie... Actually, just read the damn reviews yourself, weep, and come back when you're done - I don't have the space or patience to list the many, many things here that are truely fucked up.

Whatever its downsides, the movie has at least opened society's eyes to the plight of those in abusive relationships. Today, many women whose boyfriends hurt, abuse, and degrade them are routinely given help by their friends and family. "People need to understand that my boyfriend owns me - he enjoys making me cry and that's nobody's business but his.", an abused woman told us. "Our love may be different, but it doesn't mean that it's wrong that my boyfriend is turned on by my pain." The woman told us that she has high hopes that Fifty Shades will show people how touching and romantic abusive relationships can be, and how just because one member of a relationship controls every aspect of the other one's life.

Despite all this, the closed-minded anti-abusers at the Rockettopia High School Take Back the Night club are organizing a boycott of Fifty Shades. If they keep behaving like this, they might never find a man who will fulfill their dreams of enslavement.

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Study: Parody of Transformers Films Indistinguishable from Originals

June 29th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

A new study from the Rockettopia University this week showed conclusively that college students were unable to tell the difference between parodies of Michael Bay's Transformers movies and the films themselves. The research, which was prompted by the release of yet another fucking Transformers movie this week, firmly showed that those students who resisted writhing in pain on the floor after watching a Transformers movie or a spoof transformers movie had a fifty percent chance of guessing which one had a director who deluded himself that he was doing something serious.

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Man Stuck In Giant Vagina Sculpture Plans to Continue Search for Most Embarrassing Accident

June 29th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

The American exchange student in Germany who became suck in a giant vagina sculpture a few days ago and had to be removed by a team of 22 firefighters says that he will continue his search for the most embarrassing possible accident. The student, who has declined to be named, says that his lifelong quest began on the day of his high school graduation, when the classic not-wearing-anything-under-the-robe prank went horrible awry in a wardrobe malfunction. The student spent his college years continuing to humiliate himself, which is not really that different from how most people spend college. As an exchange student, he thought that he had finally hit the jackpot when he got himself stuck in an enormous stone vagina in Germany. However, according to the student, he will continue his search by getting a reality TV show.

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Twitter Pre-emptively Complaining About Oscar Picks

March 2nd 2014| By J.E.Ditor

Despite the fact that, as of this writing, the Oscars that people actually care about such as Best Picture, Best Animated Picture, Best Actor, and Best Actress have not yet been awarded, people on twitter are already whining about the choices. One tweeter1, who wisely hides behind the handle "@JUK12345", tweeted "@MPAA tots picked teh rong pic 4 best movee! #oscars #wrong". Another literate and urbane user, whose handle we cannot print in a civilized publication such as this one, wrote "[expletive] #oscars [expletive] [expletive] leonardo dicaprio [expletive]."

One can only imagine how much people will yowl once they actually learn who won.


1. Yes, I did in fact just Google "twitter user pronoun", and, finding nothing, make up my own. So sue me.

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New Kickstarter Raising Money for Hit Job on Geico Marketers

January 18th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

The New York Times reported today that a new Kickstarter project that claims to be raising money "To hire an assassin or assassins to kill the entire Geico marketing company." The Kickstarter is capitalizing on anger over Geico's new talking painting commercials, which are, according to #TehAnnoyingThingsResearchInstitute, one of the most annoying things ever created by mankind. Over half of the five million dollar goal has been raised via Kickstarter in the two days since the project began. Prominent donors include Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mitt Romney, Carlos Slim, Tom Hanks, Kim Kardashian, and literally every person who has ever seen the ads.

Earlier today, Kickstarter released an official statement on the ads. "Our website is intended to raise money for startups, not non-profits, and in addition we oppose mass murder as a company policy." They went on to say, "However, we took a look at those Geico ads, and on second thought, we're not going to interfere just this once. Now excuse me, I need to go donate more money to those freedom fighters."

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Facebook Continues Campaign to Become Abandoned and Obsolete

December 13th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

The Social Media giant Facebook today warned announced that this Thursday would see an escalation of its running campaign to slip into obsolescence. The campaign, code-named "Operation MySpace", began with the introduction of "Sponsored Stories" in 2011 and has escalated continuously ever since. When News from Rockettopia asked an employee, who declined to be named, about the campaign, she told us: "I was involved in Operation MySpace from the beginning. We thought that 'Sponsored Stories', you know, making unsuspecting customers into spokespeople for 55-gallon barrels of lube, would do the trick, but they just kept coming!" A weapon of mass frustration was launched later that year with the timeline bug feature, which persists to this day despite calls by everyone, ever, to remove it. Facebook continued the campaign into 2012 with the introduction of mobile ads to clog up smartphone screens and hopefully drive customers away to Twitter, Tumblr, or Pintrest. And all this time, Facebook made it very clear that they would sell any personal information on a user to any client with the money.

"Quite frankly, I'm surprised that there's anyone still on Facebook at this point,", our informant told us. "I would think that at this point they'd be desperate enough to go to Google+ if need be, but we seem to have underestimated the power of brand loyalty. But we haven't given up yet."

Facebook hopes that their new autoplaying video ads in users' newsfeeds and the taunting launch of the dislike button only for private messages will manage to disgust their customer base enough to end Facebook's run as a top Social Networking site. Our contact, however, is skeptical. "If we haven't managed to drive away every man, woman, and child on Earth by now, there's no hope. We'll try, but nothing could possibly break Facebook except turning off every server in the world. That or an influx of parents."


ADDITIONAL READING!!!
http://www.theverge.com/2013/12/17/5219216/facebook-dislike-button-messenger-sticker
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-12-17/facebook-to-start-showing-video-ads-this-week-journal-reports.html
http://www.ebizmba.com/articles/social-networking-websites
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/facebook-to-start-selling-video-ads-153126093.html
http://blog.hubspot.com/marketing/history-facebook-adtips-slideshare

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Sexy Halloween Costumes

October 30th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

This Halloween has seen a continuation in the growing trend of sexy Halloween costumes. These costumes, which are exactly what they sound like, are...
raise the question...
show...
make one think...
interact with Rockettopia in some way...
Dammit! How can I make fun of this!? This is so stupid!!! The world has already made this dumb trend so extreme that it's a parody of itself. Normally, I'd take something stupid like 'Sexy Pizza' and 'Sexy Walter White' and 'Sexy Bacon' and 'Sexy NSA Agent' and make up things like 'Sexy Leatherface' and 'Sexy Mental Patient' and 'Anna Rexia' and 'Sexy Osama bin Laden', but ALL THOSE ARE REAL!! I didn't HAVE to make them up! How am I supposed to make something up to top that kind of offensive absurdity!! Sexy Barack Obama? Nah, that would be trying too hard. Really, once there's Sexy bin Laden, it's physically impossible to fall any further.
Please don't take that as a challenge. Please.


In all Seriousness Notes:
1. If a costume has the modifier 'Sexy' in it, it's probably something that should not be sexy.
2. Please don't wear any of these costumes.
If you want to be mentally traumatized, here are the referenced costumes.
If you want to be even more traumatized, here are some things that don't exist. This year, at least.

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Discovery Channel Employee Leaks Shark Week Conclusion

August 8th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

An anonymous leak from a Discovery Channel employee revealed that the network's popular Shark Week series would conclude with "An epic look at shark-based weather phenomena and their effects on human life in urban environments." When pressed for more details, the leaker confirmed everyone's worst fears and revealed that he was referring to Sharknado.

Shark Week, by contrast, has a slightly more sane reputation. The annual Discovery event began in 1987 to "raise awareness and respect for sharks"1. The event was also, like everything on Discovery, supposed to be at least vaguely educational. However, over the years, the content of Shark Week has gone from, "Look at the interesting shark!" to "OH MY GOD GIANT SCARY SHARK!!!" But the Week, and perhaps the network, reached new lows when Shark Week 2013 with a documentary about a team that discovers that Megalodon sharks are still alive (Megalogon being an enormous prehistoric shark that you should totally google). The documentary was convincing, entrancing, and according to the tiny text at the bottom of the screen at the end, completely fake. But really, John Oliver expresses the offensive bullshittiness of the situation better than I do.

John Oliver on Sharks

According to the Discovery leak, the finale of Shark Week will be even more spectacular. Sharknado will be prefaced with a black screen bearing the message in large white text and voiced-over, "What you are about to witness is a dramatization of an event that top meteorologists say has a 90% chance of occuring in your lifetime.". (Our investigative reporters that "top meteorologists" meant an unemployed twentysomething who had watched Sharknado while drinking six beers. He was being paraphrased; his original words were, "Dude, this is totally gonna happen to me!") At the same time, this text will be at the bottom of the screen "This is not actually real. The events of Sharknado are in no way actually possible. Ha ha! Fooled ya!". Of course, the black text might not show up on the black screen, but, "That's the point."

1. Okay, I quoted Wikipedia, so sue me.


Note: Is Sharknado possible? In short, no.

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Poll Finds that Among People Who Dislike Two Steps from Hell, 0% Have Ever Heard A Two Steps from Hell Song

June 7th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

A recent poll by the Rockettopia High Polling Club showed that although many people disapprove of the band Two Steps from Hell, none of said people have ever heard a 2SFH song. The poll found that although approval ratings for 2SFH were high among youth and declined among older people, without exception the people who did not like 2SFH admitted that they "[had] no idea what a Two Steps from Hell song sounded like".

The results of this poll surprised absolutely no one.

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Poll Shows No One Likes Westboro Baptist Church

May 4th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

A continuing poll by the Rockettopia High School Polling Club is suggesting that no one likes the Westboro Baptist Church. The Westboro Baptist Church, which stages extremely homophobic protests at the funerals of dead soldiers, has been called "The most reviled group in America." by me, just now. The RHSPC set out to find out how many Americans agree with the church's views. The question was, "What is your opinion of the Westboro Baptist Church?", and the answer choices were "I don't know what that is.", "I'm a fan", "I dislike gays but think they're very offensive.", "I have no opinion.", "I dislike them.", "I hate them.", "I really hate them.", and "If hell exists, it has a special place for people like that.". After early issues, the RHSPC found it necessary to add a new response, "None of those options, not even the last one, can express my loathing for those scum.". In a poll of RHSers, the RHSPC found that most had heard of the Westboro Baptist Church, and in that group, opinions ranged from "I hate them." to the last one. Not a single student was found to like the Church.

To continue the search for a Westboro Baptist Church fan, the RHSBC scaled up their polls of students and still found no one who supported the Church. They expanded the poll to Rockettopia townsfolk and still found no one. Even after every human being in Rockettopia had been polled, not a single person had chosen "I'm a fan." or "I have no opinion.". With assistance from major journalistic organizations, the poll was expanded to the entire country, and when no supporters of the Church were found in all of America, the world. At the time of this writing, over five billion people have been polled, and not a single one has supported the Westboro Baptist Church. Mullah Muhammed Omar, leader of the Taliban, picked "Dislike gays but they're offensive." When asked about his choice, Omar commented, "The Taliban shoots teenage girls in the head, but those Westboro Baptist Church people, they're a little extreme for us."

Pollsters are currently attempting to contact isolated tribes in the Amazon Rainforest to get their opinion. Another group is using radio waves to try to find out what any observing aliens think. At this point, the RHSPC has concluded that, in all likelihood, not a single human being supports the Westboro Baptist Church.

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Goats Outraged Over Mountain Dew Commercial

May 2nd 2013| By J.E.Ditor

After Pepsico released a commercial for Mountain Dew in which a goat is seen against a lineup of black men accused of assaulting an elderly white woman, the Internet exploded into outrage, prompting Pepsico to withdraw the commercial and apologize, as it very well should. However, one group is not satisfied with Pepsico's response: Goats. Nibbles, the head of the NAAGP (National Association for the Advancement of Goat Peoples) was that Pepsico thought it acceptable to portray goats as criminals, tweeting "Bleat maaa mehhhh baaa bleat bleeeaaat." Translated by the mysterious mountain man known as the 'Goat Whisperer', the tweet reads, "We here at the NAAGP are very disappointed in Pepsico! Shame on you!" Pepsico responded that they had intended no offence to goats through the ad. Nonetheless, Nibbles demanded a boycott of Mountain Dew before leaving to rush to her afternoon milking.

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Movie Director Severely Wounded after Turkey Attack

April 30th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

In a terrible attack yesterday, popular movie director Colin Trevorrow was hospitalized with serious injuries following a deadly turkey attack. According to reports released by Trevorrow's agent, the director of Safety Not Guaranteed showed that this was certainly true in his case when six large male turkeys somehow entered his hotel and confronted him in the kitchen. Despite the director's attempts to hide behind counters and cooking implements, he was eventually found by the birds, which then attacked him seemingly with the goal of ending his promising career. Fortunately, a hotel staff member found Trevorrow under attack and called 911, then proceed to heroically beat the birds back with a broom, probably saving the director's life. EMTs quickly rushed Trevorrow to the hospital, where he is in critical condition but expected to survive.

Some have blamed the tragic attack on the Rockettopia High School Palaeontology Club. A controversy has been brewing over the last week after Trevorrow, who has been picked to direct Jurassic Park IV, explicitly tweeted that his dinosaurs will have "No Feathers". This has sparked outrage among everyone who knows anything about dinosaurs, the most prominent local group being the RHS Paleontology Club. According to some suspicions, the Paleontology Club released the turkeys into Trevorrow's hotel in the hopes of injuring him or at least changing his mind. To counter these accusations, the Paleontology Club released the following statement: "We here at the RHSPC are saddened about the tragic attack on Colin Trevorrow, who we greatly admire. We are thankful that the animals attacking him lacked claws, talons, and massive teeth evolved for ripping through flesh. If this was not the case, the director might not be here today. We are sure he will never think a turkey looks silly again."

The club has also been encouraging people to tweet Trevorrow (@colintrevorrow) about the feathers issue with the hashtag #YesFeathers. WE CAN DO IT!!!

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'Downton Abbey: Season 4' to feature alarmingly high body count

February 18th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

Viewers across the country were shocked and horrified at the violent conclusion to the third season of the hit TV show 'Downton Abbey'. We here at News from Rockettopia won't give away the ending, but for those of you who haven't seen it yet, it's probably better you remain ignorant. Ten minutes after the conclusion of the season finale, a Public Policy Polling Center poll showed that of Downton Abbey viewers, 60% were 'Shocked and outraged' by the ending, 20% were halfway to the phone when it stopped ringing, 1% thought the ending was 'right', 4% were in the middle of saying likewise when the call ended with screams and cries of 'How dare you!', and fifteen percent were searching for muskets and/or pitchforks.
Within eight hours of the traumatic end of the show, the hacker group Anonymous, and let's face it, our favorite people EVER, had, through semi-legal-ish means, acquired the script for season 4. Analysts studying the script, which is available HERE, noted 'A shockingly high body count.


*******************SPOILER ALERT**********************




















In the first episode, the family loses all their money in the economic crash of 1930. Tom Branson commits suicide in disgrace and the family is forced to begin robbing banks to keep Downton afloat. In the second episode, a mad killer infiltrates the house and kills Lady Mary, James, and the dog from the intro, before being killed by Thomas at the cost of his own life. The killer is unmasked and revealed to be the Dowager Countess Violet high on bath salts. The season continues with approximately 1.7 deaths per episode (You may think this is an absurd example of the law of averages, but Daisy the kitchen maid dies painfully over the course of two episodes.). In the end, the entire estate is burnt alive in the mansion, save O'Brian, everyone's least favorite character, who, it turns out, is the one telling the story eighty years later. The season ends with a half-hour performance of 'Adagio for Strings', concluding with the entire orchestra dying of simultaneous heart attacks.

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Instead of Kim Kardashian, RHS Pop Culture Club Accidentally Books Kim Jong-Un for Seminar; Surprised to get Someone so Intelligent and Popular

February 2nd 2013| By J.E.Ditor

After a startling booking mistake last Friday, the RHS Pop Culture Club accidentally booked North Korean Dictator and possible psychopath Kim Jong-un to speak instead of American pointless celebrity and possible psychopath Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian, who along with her sisters Khloe and Kourtney are the stars of reality TV shows and nearly inspired the Ku Klux Klan to change it's name for PR reasons, was supposed to be a speaker at a meeting of the Rockettopia Pop Culture Club.

The most popular celerity in his country, Kim Jong-un is known for recently calling the United States his nation's 'worst enemy', smoking a cigarette during a visit to a hospital, and showing compassion to his people by giving every child in his country a kilogram of candy to celebrate his birthday. Needless to say, when took the podium in front of an audience expecting a Kardashian, he got a standing ovation.

Kim Jong-un then proceeded to speak about how he had avoided the obesity epidemic that plagues America in North Korea by outlawing food, his archaeological discovery of the ancient Korean unicorn lair, and how his nation's tumbling-out-of-control satellite had already destroyed four GPS satellites, two weather satellites a communications satellite, the only toilet on the ISS, something that the CIA denies ever existed, and Iran's first astro-monkey.

He wrapped up the speech by talking about how much he had enjoyed Rockettopia, and how it is now last on his list of American towns to nuke. He then received another standing ovation, this one lasting thirty minutes. An audience member later admitted, "It's not that his speech was particularly good, but that it was so much better than what I had expected.".

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Lance Armstrong Apologizes for Doping; "I would never have done it if I had known I would be caught"

January 18th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

As expected, Lance Armstrong confessed to using performance-enhancing drugs in his interview with Oprah Winfrey. In his own words, "I made a terrible mistake by using drugs to enhance my performance. I mean, not the same way Viagra does. A different kind of performance. Aww, hell! I realize now I made a terrible mistake and ruined what could have been a great career. I swear, I never would have done it if I realized I'd be caught! I mistakenly believed that even if I was incredibly good at biking, as long as I vigorously denied my crimes, I would never found out, and what the world doesn't know won't hurt them, ya know? I became an idol to the world because I used these drugs, but I ruined it all by using these drugs." Some in the media have called Armstrong's confession "unrepentant"(Sports Illustrated), "morally deficient"(ABC), "horrifyingly soulless"(ESPN), "Hey! Look at this cool touch-screen!"(CNN), and "f**king stupid"(Jon Stewart). However, we at News from Rockettopia still point out that, well, it's still a step up from every politician ever.

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CNN Special Report: Ohio Dog Behaving Oddly

December 21st 2012| By J.E.Ditor

This is breaking news via CNN! A dog in Ohio has been reported to be acting strangely! At around ten AM today, the dog, a Pomeranian named Muffin, began to run in circles around trees and cringe at the sight of cats, squirrels, and cars. The dog's owner, who declined to be named, told Shepard Smith that she had "Never seen Muffin acting like this since last mon-", but was cut off before she could finish.

On Anderson Cooper 360, internationally renowned new age mystic Peace Ohwagher stated that the dog was foretelling the end of the world, as the Mayans predicted. However, at one thirty-seven the dog abruptly began acting normally again. Psychics are currently debating what this means. Meanwhile, Wolf Blitzer is rushing to Washington D.C, where someone claims to have seen a moderate Republican. We here at News from Rockettopia are skeptical.

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The Mayan Apocalypse PROPERLY Explained

December 20th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

Okay, we here at News from Rockettopia have to apologize for out interview with the Existential Club, which we sorta screwed up. Here to give us the truth about the Mayan Apocalypse is someone who is undoubtedly an expert on Mayan culture, possibly the world's greatest expert, an actual Ancient Maya Ghost! Our thanks to our volunteer, who wishes to remain anonymous, who stuck a stingray spine through his tongue and used it to pull a string of briars through, providing the blood we needed to make the ghost appear.; Unfortunately, the ghost does not speak English, so we found a nearby Maya speaker. However, she speaks Maya and Spanish only, so we got the first Spanish speaker we could find to translate (What can we say? We're in a hurry!).

Interviewer: In the recent days, we've been hearing a lot about the so called 'Mayan Apocalypse'. A lot of people believe you said the world would end on December 21st 2012. However, people who know what they're talking about say that this is a load of nonsense. What can you tell us about it?

Transalator #1: En los últimos días, hemos estado escuchando mucho acerca de la llamada "Apocalipsis maya". Mucha gente cree que usted dijo que el mundo se acabaría el 21 de diciembre de 2012. Sin embargo, las personas que saben lo que están hablando de decir que esto es un montón de tonterías. ¿Qué nos puede decir al respecto?

Transalator #2:


Ghost:

Translator 2: ¿Qué? Nunca hemos dicho que el mundo se acaba, y mezclar cerveza con harina de maíz y agua salada repelente!

Interviewer: Then what did you say would happen on December 21st 2012?

Ghost (Via translators): We want to remember things, and it's reassuring to think that I still remember it.

Interviewer: So nothing will happen on December 21st?

Ghost (Via translators): Well, will be the next solstice and began b'ak'tun, which is cause for great celebration, but much more. I guess you can specify a range of ball games and human sacrifice?

Interviewer: Okay, it was nice speaking to you. Thank for helping us!
Ghost (Via translators): As attractive as you look, it is not acceptable to engage in such acts in public in my culture.

There you have it! The world will not be ending! Which we knew already.

Guys, she's bleeding again! Someone call 911!

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What to Expect in the Next Four Days

December 18th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

As many of you already know, some people believe that the world will end this Friday. Here are some things to expect relating to this.

In the next four days: Nonstop History Channel end-of-the-world specials. They know that, one way or another, this market is not going to last long.

On December 21st: Nonstop 24-hour news coverage of every little event that might possibly have something to do with the apocalypse. People doing things that they always wanted to do but knew they'd regret.

Moments before midnight, December 21st: A massive crash in Apocalypse stock. Also a big crash in the Mayan Calendar industry.

December 22nd: A lot of people doing emergency Christmas shopping. Also a lot of I-told-you-sos. People regretting the things they did yesterday when they thought the world would end. People burning their Mayan calendars, lawn signs, and bumper stickers. Maybe even a few tattoo removals. All this is assuming we're still here, of course.

January 1st: The fiscal cliff. You know, the actual end of the world.

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Psy Apologises for 2004 Song Praising the Killing of US Troops: "I never thought anyone would ever know or care"

December 12th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

Yesterday, the hit K-Pop singer and creator of 'Gangam Style' apologized for his 2004 song that praised the killing of American soldiers in Iraq. In his words: "I never thought anyone would know or care." The song, titled "Dear American", condemns the Iraq war and has lyrics that read:

"이라크 포로를 고문해 댄 씨발양년놈들과고문 하라고 시킨 개 씨발 양년놈들에딸래미 애미 며느리 애비 코쟁이 모두 죽여아주 천천히 죽여 고통스럽게 죽여"
Which, transalated, reads:
"سخيف تعذيب السجناء العراقيين دان وكمية من مجال للحدائق
وقال مستشار لك شيت على كمية من مجال للحدائق
الطفل ايمي ابنة في القانون آبي Ofay قتل
قتل ببطء جدا له معاناة."
Which, in English, reads:
"F**king torturing Iraqi prisoners Dan and the amount of room for gardeners
Advisor told you to S**t on the amount of room for gardeners
Baby Amy daughter-in-law Abby Ofay kill
Very slowly killing him suffer."
(God, translating programs are bad!)

Which, when translated by a human into English, reads, roughly:
"Kill those **** Yankees who have been torturing Iraqi captives
Kill those **** Yankees who ordered them to torture
Kill their daughters, mothers, daughters-in-law, and fathers
Kill them all slowly and painfully"

All the **** Yankees torturing Iraqis
All those **** Yankees who ordered the torturing
Kill their daughters, mothers, daughters-in-law and fathers
Kill them very slowly and painfully."

Or maybe something else that sounds similar and might have a completely different meaning:
"The **** despicable Western women and men who tortured Iraqi war prisoners and
Dog **** despicable Western women and men who gave orders to torture
Their daughter, mother, daughter-in-law, father the big-nose, kill all
Very slowly kill, painfully kill."

Ok, screw translation. Back to the topic. Psy argued that the song was excusable because at the time, as he said, "I never even imagined a situation in which anyone would remember, know, or care about this cover of another band's song that I did." Some people have criticized this statement, arguing that it was not a real apology. Others have argued that this is a good thing, as that makes this statement more honest than every apology given by a politician since Oog claimed that he had no knowledge about whether the cave-painting of a loincloth that appeared on his wall was of him or not.


Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney expressed sympathy with Psy, stating, "The exact same thing happened to me!"

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"Breaking Dawn: Part 2" represents "Monumental Breakthrough" in Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

November 30th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

Since the release of the much-anticipated film "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2" a few weeks ago, the film has been praised by teenage girls and condemned by just about everyone else. There is, however, an exception: The CIA. As a CIA administrator who declined to be named remarked: "My daughter begged me to let her go to this movie, but I had heard bad things about it, so I decided to see it myself first. After the first few minutes, I was clawing at my eyes and waiting for death to take me. But then it hit This would be a great EIT!"

EITs, or Enhanced Interrogation Techniques are modern forms of torture used by CIA agents at America's Guantanamo Bay facility to extract information from suspected terrorists. The Idea of using Twilight to get people to talk quickly gained popularity among the CIA. The president of the United States Government's Guantanamo Military Commission, which oversees the Guantanamo Prison, commented: "These people are hardened criminals. They can handle having water poured up their noses or being deprived of sleep for days on end, but no man, no matter how strong, can stand 2 hours of sparkling vampire romance." The initial trials are going well. As another CIA agent commented: "There was this guy, Mahmoud, who we just couldn't get to talk. We tried everything: Waterboarding, Sleep deprivation, shouting, but nothing seemed to work. Then we set him up in the 'Vampire Room' and in fifteen minutes he was spilling his guts. The information gained from Mahmoud has resulted al Quada's number two man being killed five times in two days, and..." At this point, the agent trailed off, becoming increasingly concerned with the laser scope point on his head. Our reporter decided it was time to go.

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Kim Kardashian Responds to 'Idiot' Remark in a Monosyllabic Rant

March 12th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

Reality star Kim Kardashian, star of the hit reality show Keeping Up with the Kardashians and four-time winner of coveted the Dumbest Twitter Fad award, responded yesterday to John Hamm's insult of her as a '[expletive] idiot' in a monosyllabic rant incomprehensible to all listeners over the age of twenty-five. Her speech began with the phrase: "You know how John Hamm called me an idi-ot yesterday? He was, like, so, like, off base. I'm not an idi-ot. That's like, so, like, mean, like, like, like. Like. I'm not stu-pid, like, like, not at all. " She went on like this for a total of over thirty minutes, never using a word with more than one syllable. Kim Kardashian has since gained 100,000 new twitter followers.

In related news, the Rockettopia High detective club has traced the missing quarterback to the southwest united states, most likely in the legendary Mojave desert.

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New Discoveries Suggest Little Change in Valentines Day Traditions

February 15th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

An ancient text, only recently translated from Latin, has proven once and for all that the original purpose of valentines day was much the same as today: To make single people feel like crap. The history of Valentines day have been well known to archaeologists for a while, but this is the first text with information on the origins.

Valentines day was originally a Roman holiday, associated with Juno, goddess of Marriage (Hera to Greeks)(Why they didn't use Venus(Aphrodite), goddess of love, is something I have never understood). Juno's holiday was similar to the Valentine's day of today. When the Christians came to power in Rome, they changed all the Hellenistic holidays to Christian Holidays. The Spring Festival became Easter, The Solstace became Christmas, etc. Juno's holiday was renamed Saint Valentine's Day, but stayed pretty much the same.

The new text shows evidence of the very origin of Valentine's day. The text reads, roughly translated:

Antonius Suporius and his drunken buddies really liked to make fun of Marcus Thicaborus, so when he broke up with his girlfriend in February, they vigorously made fun of him by loving (Latin word much ruder) their dates in full view of him. As this really pissed him off, they continued to do this every year, even after he had a date, as theirs were always prettier. Years later, others took up the tradition of rubbing their dates in single people's faces, sometimes more literally than others, and eventually this holiday became official and was named after the great goddess Juno. It really should have been Venus.
Never call the modern Valentine's day practice of taunting single people nontraditional again!

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Supply Side Economics Club Calls Obama Mars Conspiracy a Liberal Conspiracy

January 29th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

The president of the supply side economics club stated this week that the "Obama Mars Conspiracy Theory" was a liberal conspiracy. The "Obama Mars Conspiracy Theory" states that president Barack Obama was part of a top-secret CIA mission to mars during the 1980s, during which he was issued the warning: "Simply put, your task is to be seen and not eaten.". The Obama Administration has come out and denied this claim. Yes, that's right, the president has denies the perfectly ridiculous claim that he went to Mars to "... acclimate Martian humanoids and animals to their presence..." in the 1980s. The Supply Side Economics club has concluded that the only reason the Obama administration would deny this bull&#^& is if the administration had planned the whole thing. The administration's plan, according to the Club, was to make all the other (True) Obama conspiracies, such as the Birther, Muslim, Terrorist, Gay, etc. conspiracies, look silly. The Club's president justified this claim with the statement "Liberals all have this weird obsession with generalizations." The Club President then asked why everyone within hearing distance had collapsed laughing.
Read more: http://www.geekosystem.com/mars-obama-conspiracy/ http://exopolitics.blogs.com/exopolitics/2011/11/mars-visitors-basiago-and-stillings-confirm-barack-obama-traveled-to-mars-1.html

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Merry Christmas! Sponsored by We Are Toys

December 25th 2011| By J.E.Ditor

In the spirit of the holidays, News from Rockettopia would like to wish you all a merry Christmas or happy Hanukkah! And if you haven't gotten a gift yet, don't worry, our friends at We Are Toys are offering a special discount on everything! It's the time to save on obscenely extravagant gifts, like a phone so expensive it could feed a starving African nation for a week! You could be saving lives, but that's not important. What's really important is buying the new iThing 4S, because having an old iThing 4 is soooo uncool. But what's really cool is to indulge in ridiculously expensive gifts to help our super-rich get even richer! And don't think of all the starving children who don't even have a loaf of bread for Christmas, because that's such a downer! As Jesus said:


Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. (Luke 6:20)

I mean:

If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me. (Matthew 19:21)

Umm... I mean:

For it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. (Luke 18:25)

Errr...

But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. You will be repaid at the resurrection of the just." (Luke 14:13-14)

STOP IT!! Anyway, JUST BUY USELESS SHIT, DAMMIT!

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