37 Million Assholes Freak Out After Massive Karma Spill
July 20th 2015| By J.E.Ditor
37 million completely freaked out following a massive spill of karma from the dating site AshleyMadison. AshleyMadison,
a dating site specifically targeted at married people looking to have an affair,
suffered a massive security breach yesterday
in which hackers styling themselves "The Impact Team" stole the names, credit cards, and personal information of the site's 37 million members,
thereby unleashing the greatest spill of karma in recent memory. The Impact Team announced the hack with the following spectacular image.
"The last time we saw this kind of a massive karmasheheda, or universal release of karma, was when
Iraqi suicide bombing instructor accidentally blew up his entire class of ISIS terrorists-in-training," Swami Gustapa Malahari, a white woman in her 30s at
the Inner Peace Yoga Studio in Rockettopia, told News from Rockettopia. "It's kind of spectacular. Truly the gods have smiled upon us." (Note: In our research,
we were unable to determine actual the meaning of the word "karmasheheda", or find any references to it at all.) Even noted monster Noel Biderman, the CEO
of AshleyMadison, told News from Rockettopia that he couldn't help feeling slightly "entertained" and "satisfied" by the hack. "I mean, it's a disaster for us, but
I must admit to a bit of schadenfreude at watching these people get it. I know my business model explicitly facilitates the destruction of marriages, but let's face it,
my clients are terrible people.". "This is all off the record," Biderman added. "Right?"
Despite Biderman's stance, this is shaping up to be the worst disaster in AshleyMadison's history, beating out their failed bumper sticker campaign two years ago.
I enjoy making these so much
Many notables have been observed acting strangely since the AshleyMadison leak. Bill Clinton has taken Hillary out on four dates, which is four more than in all
of last year. Anthony Weiner is reportedly hiding in a wardrobe and refusing to come out. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are both being very nice to each other,
and Newt Gingrich told the press that his stance on family values was "Open to change.". When Donald Trump found out about the leak, a worried expression reportedly
crossed his face, before he said to himself "Eh, whatever." and moved on with being a dick to veterans.
Seaworld Closes after Harry Styles Delivers Smackdown
July 10th 2015| By J.E.Ditor
The formerly-popular amusement park SeaWorld declared that they will be closing all their facilities following a condemnation from One Direction star and
all-time Fuck, Marry, Kill champion Harry Styles.
Styles spoke out
against the noted evil organization in a San Diego concert yesterday. After seeing noted Game of Thrones star and Fuck, Marry, Kill runner-up Maisie
Williams, who also advocates for The Dolphin Project, Harry told the audience, "Does anybody here like dolphins?
Don't go to SeaWorld!". In the following hours, SeaWorld saw its attendance drop to a crawl. One of the few remaining SeaWorld guests, a tattooed man with a
waist-length beard and the odor of a confederate flag supporter, told News from Rockettopia, "Yeah, I love Harry and yeah, I know all about the dolphins,
but I'm still here. Not because I approve of SeaWorld and not because I don't care - I'm here because I'm sexually aroused by tortured whales." He attempted
to say more, but any further comments were directed at the back of our quickly-receding reporter's head.
SeaWorld CEO and terrible human being Joel Manby announced today that, in response to Harry's comments, SeaWorld would be liquidating all its assets and closing
all its facilities. "We managed to continue our operations despite public outrage, multiple investigations, and basic human decency," Manby said in a public
statement, "but Harry Edward Styles is a force of nature. He cannot be resisted. He cannot be stopped. Even we at SeaWorld are helpless before his terrible
Harry Styles has not yet been reached for comment.
Tennessee Students Demand Food Less Than Two Years Old; Still Reject Rockettopia Donation of KFC
May 1st 2015| By J.E.Ditor
county administrators in Hawkins County, Tennessee discovered six-year-old food being served in the school cafeterias, students rose up in protest,
demanding food that was, at worst, two years old. Students told News from Rockettopia that they would like less than 110 generations of maggots in their
daily sustenance, but were willing to negotiate for maybe up to 200 generations, tops. One student told our reporter, who is currently in the next room
vomiting uncontrollably, that she "Would have felt a little guilty asking for food that was less than six months old." Health risks aside, Hawkins County's
food, which is apparently often older than some of its consumers, cause disruptions in the rest of the school day. "Every time a student has to be rushed to
the hospital with food poisoning, I have to stop class and call their parents," a sixth-grade history teacher told our reporter, who I should really check on
some time soon. "After the third or fourth time it happens in a single class period, I start having trouble getting the students back on track." The situation
was not improved when students were interrupted mid-lunch by UNESCO, which had declared that day's chicken a nature reserve.
Despite the fact that their lunches would soon be able to file for retirement benefits in France, the students at Hawkins' Cherokee High School declined
Rockettopia's offer to send a supply of fresh KFC. "Our food may be six years old, but at least it's food."
With Climate Change Looming, Nature Stages One Final Ice Age Re-Enactment
February 10th 2015| By J.E.Ditor
With New England covered in roughly six feet of snow following the most recent snowstorm, mother nature has come out to explain the snow as an
"Ice Age Re-enactment". "The world is heating up - soon megablizzards will be a thing of the past", the omnipotent force told reporters in a press
conference today. "This may be my last chance to stage a massive re-enactment of the Ice Age, so I'm going to take it." Although mile-thick ice
sheets are not currently in the immediate forecast, more snow is expected this week, so who knows?
2014 Year in Review
January 4th 2015| By J.E.Ditor
As is tradition, we at News from Rockettopia have decided to take a moment to remember 2014. So here are the stories that, in a few decades, we will tell
our grandchildren about, as well as the ones we will try to forget. But mostly that second one. So, in no particular order...
- Frozen exploded into culture! Everyone was singing 'Let it go', and now no one ever wants to hear that song again.
- ISIS (Also known as ISIL, Daesh, the Islamic State,
Terrorism's JV Team,
Those Psychos, The Worst People to Invade Iraq since Cheney and Rumsfeld, etc.) literally exploded things in Iraq and Syria. ISIS is a militant
Islamic extremist group that has committed [Insert all of the most horrifying atrocities that you can imagine, and then add more] and is still at large.
Even more than usual, I suggest not taking a vacation in Syria over February break.
- Okay, so over winter break I took a vacation to the border of al-Qaedia-controlled Syria. So what?
- Race relations in America broke down with the murders of unarmed black men like Michael Brown and Eric Garner. Actually, race relations in America
were fucked up to begin with, but it took us decades to notice. I have no idea why. I also have no idea why, overall,
white people think that racism against whites is worse than racism against blacks. I have a whole rant about this, but that is not for today.
- The worst Ebola outbreak in history killed thousands of people in West Africa. The outbreak is ongoing, but now that white people are no longer dying,
it's apparently not a big deal.
- The entire nation freaked out about Ebola despite dozens of statistics such as these:
- No one who contracted Ebola in the United States has ever died. Never. Anyone. However, I predict that they will die given a few decades.
- Twice as many Americans have been married to Larry King as have contracted Ebola.
- The same number of people have contracted Ebola in the US as have married Kim Kardashian. I'm not sure which is worse.
- Yeah, you get it, four is a small number, and three recovered.
- The Republicans beat the Democrats in nearly every race and took complete control of Congress. This would have shaken my faith in the American
public, except that our response to Ebola had just destroyed that faith entirely.
- Obama responded by essentially telling the Republicans to kiss his ass and then reforming immigration and ending the embargo against Cuba.
- Vladamir Putin annexed Crimea invaded Ukraine. President Obama responded by decisively lying down and rolling over on his back.
- Social pressures propelled the Ice Bucket Challenge to great success, proving that human beings sometimes accidentally do good things while
trying to impress each other.
- People who are terrible people got to see Jennifer Lawrence naked. This is why I hate having morals.
- The Interview, a film in which Seth Rogan and James Franco assassinate Kim Jong-un, outraged the North Korean leadership. People haven't
been this angry about a movie since the last time Seth Rogan appeared in one. Sony was hacked by someone - no one's sure who, the movie was kind
of released, Obama made one of his strangest speeches ever, and all kinds of other things happened that were, in all likelyhood, much funnier than
- Scotland nearly declared independence, but the vote failed, so let's just move on.
- The government of Mexico has been collapsing as a result of public anger from, among other things, the kidnapping and murder of 43 students.
- The Senate Intelligence Committee released a report on America's torture program, which included things that are somehow worse than
the stuff I dreamed up. For more information, see The Spanish Inquisition.
- After Hamas began firing rockets, Israel invaded Gaza. Although the thousands of deaths resulting from the conflict would generally rank among the
worst things that happened in a year, 2013 is an exception because see above.
I also highly suggest the Youtube Rewind 2014.
Study Shows 2013 Not Over Yet
December 15th 2013| By J.E.Ditor
A new study released yesterday has demonstrated conclusively that the year 2013 is not yet over. The study, which has shown that there may be as many as sixteen days
left in 2013 as of today, has caused panic among major news organizations which, under the impression that 2013 had ended last week, had released their various stats, lists,
and 'Top 10's of 2013. As the author of the study said, "Although many people seem to be under the impression that 2013 is over, our findings show that this is not the case.
So there's still time for a few memorable events. President Obama could go on a public bath salts binge! North Korea could invade South Korea! Justin Bieber could do something!
Congress could pass more than the most basic legislation! Well, not that last one. But you see my point; it turns out that everyone has really jumped the gun here. 2013 is
not over yet."
CNN responded to the findings by declaring the study fourth in the 'Top 10 Crazy Studies of 2013'.
Earth Day Issue: Earth Complains about Week-late Birthday Parties, Green Team Hosts Cleanup, and SSE Hosts Coal-burning Protest
April 25th 2014| By J.E.Ditor
The planet Earth herself spoke out today to complain about the distressing number of Earth Day events scheduled a week after the actual
celebration. "It's kinda annoying", the planet told reporters. "I just want to yell 'It was last week idiots!'" Earth has not spoken on the issue since.
The Rockettopia Cleanup Committee has a massive cleanup planned for this weekend, a week after earth day (*sigh*). The RHS Green Team, which
is helping at the event, hopes to see a lot of RHS students at the event. "We hope we can make a dent in this town's significant litter problem. We have a problem
in this town with plastic bags, other bags, plastic cups, tin cans, plastic bottles, rusted car parts, rusted cars, and a stranded World War II-era battleship.
Not sure how that got there." When we asked the president why RHS students should attend the cleanup, she replied that there would be food, but refused to give details.
A team member who wished to remain anonymous told News from Rockettopia that the contents of the snacks had been kept confidential in fear of a stampede of volunteers.
"We're hoping for a few dozen people, and a few hundred would be wonderful. But if we told everyone about the refreshments, we might be dealing with crowds of a hundred
thousand and above." The team had apparently decided to keep the information classified after a computer model showed that volunteers might come from as far away as
Montana, and the combined weight of all the humans might cause Rockettopia to sink into the ground. Still, the team says, all volunteers are welcome. [For more
information, see INS Note.]
Not everyone likes Earth Day. For example, the RHS Supply Side Economics club plans to hold a Coal-burning protest to raise awareness about how environmental
regulations hurt billionaires. "We're very worried that when the government tries to stop companies from, say, turning a river into a lifeless sludge flow,
the government is hurting one of the most vulnerable groups in the country: Multi-billion-dollar corporations and their billionaire owners.", the president
of the SSE club told us when we reached him on his private yacht. "If pointless regulations on the amount of carcinogens a coal plant releases into the air
are kept in place, CEOs may have to lay off some workers to preserve their million-dollar bonuses. That would be a true tragedy, and that's why we're staging
a coal-burning rally to protest this horrible attempt to preserve what's left of life on earth." As a final note, the president of the SSE club denied rumors
that he practices kissing on a poster of Ayn Rand in his room. We here at News from Rockettopia could find no evidence of such rumors. In preparation for the
coal-burning rally, hospitals in the Rockettopia area are prepping their internal burn wards for a flood of patients.
INS (In All Seriousness) Note: For those of you who live in...you know where, the actual cleanup is at 500 Dedham Avenue, Saturday April 27th,
from 8:00 AM to ~11:00AM. Everyone is welcome, and you should come no matter how long you stay. I will actually be there, if that helps. Note: Deflate head.
Philosophy Club: 'Don't Say That 2013 Couldn't Be As Weird As 2012'
January 1st 2013| By J.E.Ditor
The Philosophy club has embarked on a campaign to make sure no one utters the phrase: "At least the next year couldn't be as weird as the last o-
OW! That was unnecessary!" The club warns that suggesting that the bizarre and in some cases unessential events of the past year, such as the Aurora
Shootings, the Newtown Shootings, the Oak Creek Shootings, the Clackamas Shooting, the Benghazi Attack, and Rick Santorum, could not be surpassed this
year would be "Tempting luck" and "Not worth the risk". A leader of the club elaborated: "We're undecided about whether such statements actually effect
the events that will unfold, but we're in agreement that it's definitely not worth taking that chance. I'm not sure the world could handle the kind of
craziness we saw in 2012 for another year. At least there's no election!"
Senator Kerry to Resign; Take Position As Secretary of State!
Massachusetts Must Hold Special Election to fill Seat