Politics

'Politics' - from 'poly' meaning 'many', and 'ticks', meaning 'bloodsucking arachnids'.*

Merkel Snaps Halfway Through Conference with Trump, "Okay, ha-ha, where's the real president?"

March 17th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

Halfway through her first meeting with Donald Trump today, German chancellor and de facto leader of the free world Angela Merkel turned to Reince Priebus and said, "Okay, ha-ha, where's the real president?" According to reporters, Priebus hesitated for a moment before responding, "Madame chancellor, he's sitting right there next to you"

"No, that's a model of a clown made by a capuchin monkey using paper mache and orange peels. It's not moving, and the sounds that it makes don't even sound human. This whole 'Trump' /thing has been hilarious, but it's been fifty days. Bring out President Clinton or President Bush or President Cruz or whoever."

According to witnesses, Priebus and Merkel were both silent for a few minutes, before Priebus nodded slightly and Merkel shouted at the top of her lungs "You gotta be fucking kidding me!"

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Steve Bannon Definately Not Forming Private Milita, Spicer tells Press

February 7th 2017| By J.E.Ditor

Speaking at a press conference today, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer firmly and unoquivically denied that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon is forming a private milita to do his will. "The Chief Strategist has no personal army in training. There is no such thing," Spicer told the assembled reporters while eating a stick of gum. "Bannon does not have some kind of personal gaurd practicing walking like a certain kind of waterfowl. There are not, at this very moment, trying on their new reddish-greenish upper-body-wear." Spicer paused to swallow his gum and pop another stick into his mouth. "So, to reiterate, Bannon has no private security force of young, angry men loyal to him personally. You can stop asking now!"

Spicer then concluded the conferance without taking questions.

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Paul Ryan Responds to Trump Comments: "Everything's Going to be Fine, Reince. Step Away from the Edge"

August 8th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Earlier today, in some remarks regarding the actual, honest-to-god remarks made by Donald Trump suggesting that his rival Hillary Clinton should be assasinated House Speaker Paul Ryan told witnesses, "Everything's going to be fine, Reince. Step away from the edge." Ryan continued, speaking from the roof of the Republican National Headquarters in Washington DC, "I know that right now it seems hard, but things will get better! Just trust me, take a few steps away from the edge, and we can go work this all out."

"Look, Chairman Priebus, this has been hard on everyone. And I know that because a lot of people thought it was your job to deal with Tru-... the problem, they blame you. But they're wrong; it's not your fault. There's nothing you could have done. Now if you just agree not to do anything permenant, we can go downstairs and discuss this over ice cream."

In response to a comment from a bystander stating that the situation was "Unsalvagable", "the end of the party", and "I can't live with this anymore!", Ryan stated that he felt the same way sometimes, and that just the other night while he was polishing his guns, he had thought about putting one in his mouth and ending it all, but he had kept going because the fight is not yet over. "Now if you'll take the gun away from your head, we can sort this all out... Yes, Reince, I know that guns don't kill people, but that doesn't mean you should point them at yourself. How about we call Phil Robertson? He always makes you feel better!"

Following another bystander comment, Ryan stated "I know it's hard. I know that the pain feels like it will never end. But it will! This too shall pass. Think about your favorite person in the world. Yes, him! What would John Galt do in a situation like this? When the government tried to impose unjust restrictions on the makers of the world, and to stop him from completing his plan, did he give up? No, John Galt kept going, and he didn't let politicians or academics or laws or basic human morality stop him! You have to be like that! Things will get better, just step away from the edge, and trust your friend Paul."

As of press time, Ryan was making promises that they would go together to see a friend and sort this whole thing out.

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During Acceptance Speech, Trump Reveals True Form to Delegates

July 21st 2016| By J.E.Ditor

During his acceptance speech last night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump - a phrase that none of us seriously thought we'd ever have to write - briefly revealed his secret True Form to the GOP convention attendees. Trump began his speech by thanking the delegates - or "You poor, poor mortal lambs", as he put it - for giving him the nomination. "I said in a CNN town hall that as president, 'I will be so presidential you won’t believe it'.", Trump told the RNC. "That debate, by the way, got huge ratings because of me. Tremendous ratings. Ted Turner called me afterwards and said 'Thank you for the ratings, Donald'. He won't say so in public, but he did, believe me, he said it. I get the best ratings and everybody knows it. And even when I'm serious and presidential, I'll still get the best ratings. And I'll be so good at being president, you won't believe it. Like this."

Trump was then surrounded by a cloud of glowing midnight-black smoke and what looked like a swarm of locusts that materialized from the convention stage. As the sound of a thousand voices chanting in a language older than time reverberated across the Quicken Loans Arena, every crucifix in the room shattered into thousands of tiny pieces. And given that this was the Republican National Convention, that was a lot of crosses. Labels reading "Trump" in gold sharpie appeared randomly on objects around the room, seemingly seared on by a tremendous heat. Then, without warning, the turbulent vortex surrounding Mr. Trump dispersed, swirling outward through the convention-goers and forcing them to cover their eyes. When they looked back, they beheld Trump's True Form.

Two of Trump's assistants then dragged a bound, gagged, and naked Clinton staffer onto the stage and quickly scurried back. "Not great, she's only an eight, tops", Mr. Trump said in a voice like a volcano with a head cold, "but she'll do." Trump then began wrapping his hundreds of arms around the struggling Clinton campaigner until she was completely obscured by the nominee's writhing, leathery, tangerine-colored tentacles. For a moment, the reality show star turned politician's eyes glowed like blindingly shiny gold, before he released the lifeless, emaciated remains of his victim. "Tonight", Trump concluded by telling the awed delegation, "You have received a glimpse of what I will do to America!"

Unfortunately, there is no footage of Trump's True Form, as all film exposed to it turned into frivolous court summons while the digital cameras recording Trump's speech just spit out text files containing only the words "Make America Great Again", written over and over.

When asked if seeing Trump's true form had changed his mind about supporting the nominee, soon-to-be former House speaker Paul Ryan reiterated his stance that Hillary Clinton must be defeated at all costs. "Even if the streets must run red with blood and tanning spray. AT ALL COSTS!"

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State of Indiana Wakes Up Morning After; Realizes with Horror What they Did Yesterday

May 3rd 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Residents of Indiana woke up this morning to the creeping, horrifying realization of what they had done last night. "He seemed so appealing!", Indiana resident Gloria Thomessen told News from Rockettopia. "But then, I woke up this morning with a psychotic, power-hungry mummified tangerine and thought 'what the hell did I do last night?'" Apparently, quite a few people agreed with Mrs.. Thomessen, as thousands of Indianans woke up with a similar feeling after getting together with the tall stranger with the expensive-looking toupee and the tiny hands.

"I don't know why I didn't realize at the time," an unidentified Indianan said, "But he's so awful! And I gave him something I never should have!" As of press time, thousands of indianans are wondering if there's anything they can do to partially undo - or at least contain the horrifying damage that they had caused.

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Trump Plans to Crush Opposition in Indiana

May 3rd 2016| By J.E.Ditor

As voters in Indiana go to the polls today to vote for the Republican nominee for president, GOP hopeful and joke that got way out of hand Donald Trump promised to "Crush all those foolish enough to stand against me!" Trump, speaking to a crowd of thousands in Indianapolis, announced that "After today, the pathetic insects who would contest my power will trouble my no longer! Even combined, Ted Cruz and that other guy cannot stand against my might! I will rule this country - all those who get in my way will be crushed under the juggernaut that is Trump!" The audience responded with a standing ovation and chants of "Trump! Trump! Trump! Trump!" while foreboding music played as Mr.. Trump looked on with a satisfied smile.

In the past few days, Trump has gone all-out on Indiana in the hopes of clinching the GOP nomination. He has focused on appealing to the agricultural sector, which employs many people in Indiana. During campaign stops at local farms, Trump has made bold guarantees to Indianans, promising to "Water the fields with the blood of my enemies" and "Lead the American people like lambs to the slaughter". In a more normal Trump style, he at one point posed with an ear of corn and said, "Now this, this is tremendous American corn. Great corn. You know, I make the best corn. I even have a corn company, Trump corn, you should try it. And I love corn. I love the kernels, and the leafy stuff - all the corn stuff. And it can be used for so much! For example, my daughter could totally use this to masturbate. I'm not saying I think about that a lot, or that I'd want to watch, but you know, she totally could. It's amazing corn."

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EXCLUSIVE: Cruz Love Letters Found; Written in Strange Cipher

March 25th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

BREAKING: News from Rockettopia has just obtained these exclusive letters from alleged Ted Cruz mistress Amanda Carpenter. They were apparently found at the bottom of Ms. Carpenter's desk drawer. It's not breaking and entering if you're a reporter.... Right? We should probably get a lawyer.

Carter categorically denied the allegations on CNN friday morning, but despite this the scandal has continued to blossom throughout today. Cruz himself even held a press conference to deny the allegations and accused his rival Donald Trump of being behind them. The letters we obtained (Remember: That window was already broken when we got there) may provide hard proof of Cruz's illicit affairs. However, we won't know one way or the other unless we can translate the strange code that the letters are written in.


We assume that thing at the bottom is a signature of some sort


What does it say? We can only guess

Our best cryptographers are working double-time to crack the Cruz Cipher, but so far we have no luck. If any of our readers are cryptographers or know cryphographers, we encourage you to take a crack at decrypting the Cruz Cipher.

More on this story, and the Cruz Sex Scandal, as it develops and grows to consume every bit of news on this blog.

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Tabloid Alleges that Five Women Willing to Bang Ted Cruz

March 25th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

According to a piece published yesterday in the tabloid The National Enquirer, Ted Cruz has had no less than FIVE extramarital affairs while on the campaign trail.


Today is a good day

The magazine described

"Private detectives are digging into at least five affairs Ted Cruz supposedly had," claimed a Washington insider.

(EEEEEE!!!!) [Breathe into a paper bag] Further investigation of released pixelated faces of Cruz's alleged mistresses found that they matched some... surprising pictures. Specifically, Carly Fiorina's campaign manager, Donald Trump's spokeswoman, and a Cruz staffer. This lends more weight to the allegations, as a pro-Cruz superPAC had released FEC filings back in July showing that they gave half a million dollars to a pro-Fiorina superPAC for unexplained reasons, suggesting that Cruz may have violated campaign finance law to pay off a political opponent. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

More evidence has been found to support the Enquirer's claims. A reporter for Breitbart tweeted back in February,


When the scandal broke yesterday, he tweeted,


But it's just an allegation. It might not be true PLEASE JESUS CHRIST LET IT BE TRUE

Perhaps the least believable thing about the #CruzSexScandal, as Twitter has oh-so-creatively dubbed it, is that five women would be willing to bang Ted Cruz. Are we really willing to believe that the most hated man in Washington - a man who looks like the love-child of Martin Shkreli and a garden gnome and is DEFINATELY the Zodiac Killer - was able to have FIVE extramarital affairs?


I guess so

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Trump Excited about New Tragedy to Exploit

March 22nd 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Republican frontrunner and presidential hopeful Donald Trump is reportedly in a fit of ecstasy following another tragic terrorist attack for him to shamelessly exploit in his ongoing bid for power. "Yess! My wishes have come true!", the billionaire and mange-ridden orangutan impersonator told a reporter from the Wall Street Journal earlier today. "Paris was great - did tremendous good for my campaign! And now another Paris? This will give me a huuuge boost - you wouldn't believe it. And I'm the best at stoking fear and hatred, you know I'm the best." Trump has skyrocketed to the top of the GOP race despite - or perhaps because of - proposals to ban Muslims from entering the US, suggestion of a database of all Muslims in America, promises to bring back waterboarding and "a hell of a lot worse", and more. The attacks in Brussels earlier today are sure to give Trump even more material. "This is the most tremendous, spectacular, thing that could happen!", Trump said. "And with primaries literally today - even better! My results will be ten, fifteen, twenty points above polling because of this, you know they will. My results are the best. People love me."

Trump's hateful fearmongering threatens to eclipse the hateful fearmongering of other GOP candidates. Senator Ted Cruz in particular pre-empted Trump by immediately expressing a need to empower law enforcement to patrol and secure Muslim neighborhoods before they become radicalized." Perhaps with this blatantly fascist and xenophobic statement, Cruz will finally succeed in topping Trump's exploitation of innocent deaths and secure his rule. But as Trump himself said, he is "the best at stoking fear and hatred".

A few hours after his initial statements, the Trump campaign issued an official statement: "Donald J. Trump expresses his great condolences to all those affected by this godsend tragedy. In light of such acts of aggression against the West by all 1.2 billion Muslims, Mr. Trump will continue his shameless exploitation of terror and tragedy in the service of naked personal ambition and megalomania regardless of the consequences efforts to keep his future adoring subjects the American people safe from the threat of Islam."

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Rubio Undergoes Ritual Purification in Preparation for Florida Primary

March 15th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

The morning of the much-anticipated Florida primary found senator Marco Rubio ritually preparing himself for the coming election. Rubio began by having his entire body scrubbed of all dirt and other contamination. The junior senator from Florida, now completely naked, was then then massaged with the seven sacred oils as incense burned around him. "I am brave. I am strong. I accept my fate." the presidential candidate was heard to murmur as the nude vestal virgins braided is hair and covered his entire body with ritual oils. Rubio ended his purification by fully immersing himself in a sacred bath, which signifies that he is prepared for whatever may come on this election day.

Upon emerging from the bath, Rubio was met by a staffer, who reportedly said "Your volunteers await, my noble senator." After a moment of contemplative silence, Rubio responded, "Bring me my sword. I shall make an honorable end to this campaign."


Senator Rubio contemplates the fickle nature of fate as he prepares for the Florida primary

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Rubio Campaign Digs in for Final Stand in Florida

March 8th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

The Rubio campaign announced today that in plans to make its final stand against Drumpf in Sen. Rubio's home state of Florida. Florida, the campaign said, is a natural place for Rubio to make a last attempt to hold off the inevitable. Florida's long shape and swampy, floridian-filled terrian makes it an easy location to defend from the south. A Rubio spokesman explained, "If Drumpf wants to take Florida, he'll have to start at the base and move slowly down the shaft to the tip at Miami, which as everyone knows is the really important part. Even if we get just the tip, we can still call ourselves satisfied. But if Drumpf and his posse want to take that away from us, they'll have to go through the whole wet, sticky wilderness, and we'll make them pay extra for every inch."

Rubio's campaign has certainly been putting horse behind their tough words. Yesterday, a pro-Rubio superPAC dynamited all the bridges in Jacksonville, "to prevent Donald Drumpf's hoardes from crossing St. John's river", and the campaign has constructed extensive fortifications along Route 75. One particularly well-equipped barricade even reportedly includes an old soviet tank. (On an unrelated note, Rockettopia's old soviet tank is currently in shop for repairs, and is expected to return on March 16th)

Despite the overwhelming odds, the Rubio campaign volunteers we spoke to seemed upbeat. "I've spent my entire life looking for a cause like this," a twentysomething man holding a live alligator told News from Rockettopia. "Rubio is young, he's energetic, he's resourceful he's- hold on a sec". The volunteer broke off for a moment and flung the alligator, hitting a peach-skinned, wig-wearing practice dummy right in the head. The volunteer pumped his fist, and returned to talking to us. "As I said, Rubio is the only candidate who really appeals to me. Also, he's the only one to really dig into the issue of Drumpf's penis. I gotta keep practicing." The volunteer then grabbed another live alligator from the bucket by his feet and hurled it at another practice dummy.

In a week, Florida will vote for the republican nominee for president. Whatever happens, Rubio will hold on until the very end. "There's nowhere else for me to run," the elf-lord and presidential candidate said as he sharpened a medieval longsword. "If we lose here, there's no point in continuing. This is my home, and I will defend it to the last." Stirring music played as the candidate continued to inspire an empty auditorium with words describing his love for Florida, for Floridians, for alligators, for meth, and for bath salts. But can stirring music and well-thrown alligators save the Rubio campaign? Only next week's vote will tell.

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Reince Priebus Seen Meeting with Shady Figures in Dark Alley

March 3rd 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Multiple eyewitness reports from yesterday have independantly reported Republican National Committee chairman Reince Priebus speaking to a group of shady figures in a dark Washington D.C. alleyway. Priebus, who was reportedly acting "extremely distressed", reportedly showed the figures a photograph of some sort and told them, "This guy has got to be stopped. Stop him at all costs and we'll make it worth your time. And make it look like an accident, will ya?"

One of the shady figures, speaking with a heavy eastern-european accent, reportedly replied, "Zat ees a person? To me zat looks more like a deformed potato covered in funny yellow mold."

Another man chimed in, "Looks like mummified - how do you say? - orange. Vith dead grass on top."

"Ees old voman vith bad hair dye."

"No! Ees unfortunate victim of multiple spraypaint accident!" Eyewitnesses report that this remark was followed by the shady figures chuckling deeply to each other, while Priebus stood by awkwardly, eventually handing the men an unmarked envalope and walking quietly away.


Definately not some of my best work.

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Americans Enjoy Last Day of Imagining Trump Not GOP Nominee

February 29th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

With the Super Tuesday primaries coming up tomorrow and real estate mogul Donald Trump expected to win most of them, Americans are today enjoying their last day of imagining that Donald J. Trump will not be the Republican nominee for president. For the past few months, Americans have watched the eccentric joke candidate grow ever scarier and ever more plausible, even winning the last three primaries. With a new CNN poll showing Trump at 49%, Americans likely have only one more day of pretending that this racist prune covered in dead grass won't be an actual candidate in the general election. Americans are partying like there's no tomorrow, because after Super Tuesday, we will have to accept that there may not be. Attendance at entertainment venues from amusement parks to strip clubs are up by hundreds of percent as Americans take their last moments to enjoy the time before we nominated a ninety-year-old Martin Shkreli clone for America's highest office. We sent a reporter to the Boobie Bungalow, a local gentleman's club, to investigate the celebrations. He's been gone six hours and isn't back yet, but we've received texts from him reading,

"Everythings crazy here. ppl are partying like the worlds ending. one of the girls told me thats b/c it is. then she gave me a lap dance and let me lick her tits. b/c trump is going to be the nominee so nothing matters anymore she said"
"Hey Chad get over to the boobie bungalow! My boss sent me to report on the massive party thats going on here! turns out they have free admission and free drinks b/c trumps about to be the nominee & the world's gonna end!"
"srry disregard my prev text wrong #"
"now one of them is giving me a hanjob while im moterboating another! theyve really thrown away the rules b/c of trump! I AM NEVER LEAVING!"
"wer9tgjqe4kjth893"

Bars are expecting a similar uptake in attendance on Wednesday following Trump's anticipated win, as millions of Americans attempt to forget that our country is now a global laughingstock.

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Manaical Laughter, Boasts Heard Eminating from Storm-Shrouded Trump Tower

February 24th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Following his landslide win in Nevada, presidential candidate and Oompa-Loompa toupee model Donald Trump retreated to his penthouse suite in Trump Tower. Since then, passers-by have reported maniacal, almost inhuman laughter echoing from the skyscraper as thunder and lightning crashed around it. "Muwahahahah! Today Nevada, tomorrow, the world! Now I am UNSTOPPABLE!", a deep voice reportedly boomed from the tower. "Soon, America will be in my grasp!"

When asked to elaborate, the overpowering voice responded, "I will rule this country! All will fear the Donald! Tremble in despair, puny mortals!" as lightning struck the top of the tower, revealing a monstrous silhouette in the highest window.

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Jeb Bush Checks Facebook to Find Worried Messages from Friends, Family

February 17th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Following a worrying tweet on Tuesday, presidential candidate Jeb Bush checked Facebook to find numerous concerned messages from friends and family. Jeb found that his wife, father, and few remaining friends had sent messages along the lines of "Are you okay?" and "If you need to talk to someone, im there for u". The former governor has been in a bad place since being humiliated by real estate mogul and moldy prune impersonator Donald Trump in the Iowa Caucus. As Jeb continues to flounder in the presidential race, at one point actually begging an audience to applaud him his mental state has become more and more shaky, culminating in this tweet on Tuesday:

In hindsight, it's not surprising that Jeb is beginning to fall apart. Jeb has described himself as a "joyful tortoise" and said that "slow and steady wins the race" while carrying around a "pocket full of turtles". Jeb is now so desperate that he has pulled out all the stops and let his half-price war criminal brother George open for him.

Jeb, if you need to talk to someone, you can always call us.

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Shepard Smith Stuck in Iowa Caucuses Time Loop Until He Experiences Epiphany

February 1st 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Surprisingly, Jeb Bush might not be the person currently having the worst day in the world today; Shepard Smith has reportedly become stuck in an infinite time loop until he has a personal epiphany. According to the Fox News reporter, "I've been living the same day over and over again for thousands of years! It's hell! I have to listen to Donald Trump give the same speech over and over and over again - at this point I could fucking recite it from memory." As our stunned reporter watched, frozen in horror, Smith then proceeded to do just that.

In an attempt to end the eternal agony of covering the Iowa Caucuses forever, Smith has reportedly tried a variety of tactics. He has thrown himself off buildings, shot himself, electrocuted himself, and even spoken to Ted Cruz. Most recently, Smith kidnapped presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, stole a truck, and drove it off a cliff into a gravel pit.

Okay, I'll admit it's not some of my best work

As of press time, Smith has decided to use his eternal time loop for some kind of good, and is now hiding near a Donald Trump rally holding a sniper rifle.

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'Bernie Bros' Already Composing Tirade About 'Rigged Election' for Reddit in case of Clinton Win

February 1st 2016| By J.E.Ditor

With the day of the Iowa Caucus approaching, the nation's so-called 'Bernie Bros' have reportedly awoken and are already composing their tirades, which they plan to post to reddit in case Hillary wins the caucus. Bernie Bro and GamerGate veteran Trey Stephens told News from Rockettopia, "I spent breakfast trying to decide just how explicitly misogynist to make my rant. Should I just accuse her of playing the 'woman card'? Or should I go all-out and call her a bitch? I can't quite decide."

Another Bro was more certain about his views on Hillary's status as a women, but wasn't sure yet who to blame a potential Hillary win on. "I'm trying to decide between Jews and Feminazis. I might also go for some gibberish about the PC Police," the man, who hadn't heard of Hillary Clinton until six months ago, told News from Rockettopia. "I might just go with something generic about the 'establishment'."

When reached for comment, Sanders 2016 campaign manager Jeff Weaver told News from Rockettopia, "Shit - they know the caucus is today? Hopefully they'll just rant about Hillary on the internet and not actually try to volunteer with the campaign. We really don't want to be seen in public with these assholes."

As of press time, six rants about Hillary Clinton have been posted online on two different websites, and we have at News from Rockettopia have somehow already received roughly two dozen vaguely threatening emails from various neckbeards.

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With One Week Until Iowa Caucus, Residents Advised to Stay Indoors, Bar Windows

January 25th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

As the Iowa Caucus draws closer, the citizens of that state have been growing more and more concerned. With more and more candidates and campaign teams swarming into the state, the Department of Public Safety issued a report containing suggested safety precautions. These include

  • Stay inside your house whenever possible
  • Avoid town halls, public greens, and other public spaces
  • If you see someone wearing an American flag pin, turn and run as fast as possible
  • If possible, avoid sharing roads with limousines
  • If you see a clump of strange yellow fur on top of what looks like an mummy covered in orange juice, shoot to kill
  • If you hear the phrase "Make America Great Again", quickly find a hiding place and do not come out of hiding until you can no longer hear the campaigners
  • If a horned man with goat hooves calling himself "Rick Santorum" personally comes to your door and offers you riches beyond your wildest dreams in exchange for your soul vote, do not sign any contract he gives you.
  • If you are unfortunate enough to be cornered by campaign volunteers, then we are sorry, but all you can do is hope that it will be over quickly.
The Department of Public Safety concluded their message with the words, "You are probably all going to die."

Despite the warnings, some residents have still been injured. A Des Moines man was admitted to a hospital after being severely mauled by Mike Huckabee, and a woman in Cedar Rapids tragically died after suffering a three-second exposure to Ted Cruz. Doctors refused to go into detail, but said that the woman, who walked within fifty meters of the Texas Senator, experianced over a thousand times the maximum safe exposure to Ted Cruz, and described her body as 'riddled with asshole-shaped tumors'.

To our readers who are unfortunate enough to be in Iowa, we at News from Rockettopia have this message: "Run. Run while you still can. If you're already trapped, just focus on your own survival. We pray for your souls."

In local news, the strange, inspirational sticky notes have spread to the CCM building and to three residence halls. The other day, I walked by a bulletin board covered entirely by them, and I could have sworn I heard them rustling even though there was no breeze.

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Trump Rally Attended by Psychologists Attempting to Study the Mentally Deranged

January 10th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

A local Trump rally held in Rockettopia two nights ago had some unusual guests: A team of Psychologists from the University of Rockettopia. The team, which included two tenured professors, five associate professors, and fifteen grad students, reportedly came to study the behavior of the mentally deranged. They were accompanied by six sociologists studying the American electorate, four of whom have since been admitted to the Mary Mallon Hospital suffering from severe alcohol poisoning. We pray for a speedy recovery. Most of the psychological team made it through Trump's security, mostly by spouting racist gibberish and doing the Hitler salute, but two were turned away for looking "too foreign". The police officers on duty refused the Trump campagin's demand that grad students Steve Gomez and Hassan Russert be imprisoned, and have also since been admitted to Mary Mallon Hospital for alcohol poisoning.

The remaining members of the team had the pleasure of watching the Donald speak, only occationally inturrupted by rational people pointing out that he is batshit crazy. Trump went on for hours about illegal immigrants, terrorists, illegal immigrant terrorists, inexplicably, laser velociraptors from Venus. Trump stopped occationally to suggest physical violence against those who dare speak out against him, but otherwise wasted no time on anything other than racist, lunatic vitriol. According to Dr. Richard Morris, the Trump "Seems to have an oddly personal vendetta against anyone who does not resemble himself both physically and ideologically."

But what the team from U of R were really intrested was the Trump supporters. "Trump may be lying to gain support from these people - that's what politicians do," associate professor Dianne Swann told us. "But these people who go to his rallies are completely genuine." After sorting through a few dozen morbidly curious liberals and horrified moderates, the team finally got to talk to a genuine Trump voter, who identified himself only as Jim the Toolshed. According to Jim, "Those furreners are coming and taking over our country, and Trump's the only man who can stop us. Look at us: Our president's a Muzlum, our vice-president's also a Muzlum, our congress is filled with Muzlum, the supreme court is all Muzlum, even our military as full of them! You're probably Muzlum too! Wait, am I a Muzlum? What if I'm a Muzlum! How can I tell?" At this point, Jim the Toolshed hoisted an AR-15, and the team felt compelled to retreat. The professors told News from Rockettopia that it was against their policy to comment on such specific psychological cases, but the students had no such compunctions. Annie Swift, who is now writing her Ph.D thesis on those with a deep disconnect with reality, told us that Jim the Toolshed appeared to have "A screw loose". Her friend Mark Miller chimed in and called Jim "Unhinged". At this point Nate Jensen added his two cents, that Jim was "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer," to which Annie responded that Jim had seemed like "A plank short of an outhouse", to which Mark replied that Annie was "Trying too hard with that last pun", leading Annie to tell Mark that he "Certainly hadn't been trying too hard last night," at which point Nate and our reporter exchanged looks and quietly left as Mark and Annie continued to bicker.

Other subjects were also interviewed by the U of R team, and were described by Dr. Morris as "Generally the kind of people I find in padded rooms making dolls out of their own hair." One man was convinced that his cat was a meexican ISIS agent and had implanted a chip in his brain. Another seemed to believe that the Department of Transportation was monitering her every move. Still another simply spouted something about "the negro", and wandered off to accuse a tree of being an illegal immigrant. The aforementioned Ph.D student Annie Swift called them "excellant material". It was, by all accounts, quite a night.

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Following Paris Attacks, Nation's Lawmakers Suggest Policies Modelled off Japanese Internment, Nuremburg Laws

November 19th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

In the wake of the tragic terrorist attacks in Paris that killed 129 people and injured hundreds more, American lawmakers have proposed new laws to combat the threat of displaced civilian refugees. Many of these laws, such as those proposed by presidental candadite and self-described human being Donald Trump and Roanoke mayor Dan Bowers. Bowers, in an official statement released yesterday, requested the suspension of Syrian refugees being resettled in Roanoke. In his letter, he cited the Japanese Internment program during WWII, saying "I'm reminded that President Franklin D. Roosevelt felt compelled to sequester Japanese foreign nationals after the bombing of Pearl Harbor, and it appears that the threat of harm to America from Isis now is just as real and serious as that from our enemies then." This proud chapter in American history, in which we sent hundreds of thousands of American citizens to concentration camps on grounds of race, presents a good model for the treatment of refugees.

Perhaps inspired by Bowers' brave stance on refugees, evil reanimated mummy wearing a sea sponge and GOP presidential frontrunner Donald Trump proposed new measures to surveil American muslims. These measures, which include surveillance of mosques, warrentless searches of muslim homes, and potentially, requiring muslims to carry ID at all time. These measures have been called 'unthinkable' - by Trump himself. Although unlike mayor Bowers, Trump has not cited any inspirations for his policies. However, many of them appear to resemble the Nuremberg Laws instituted in 1935 by Nazi Germany, which definately didn't culminate in any kind of massive, unimaginably crimes against humanity.

However, even those more moderate than Trump and Bowers have solutions with roots in history. The blocking of refugees from Syria harkens back to the St. Louis affair in 1939. The SS St. Louis, a ship full of Jewish refugees from Germany attempted to dock in Florida. However, the US government, perhaps out of fear of a wave of refugees, refused the Jews entrance to the States and sent them back to Germany. We can only assume that they lived happily ever after, as no one ever regretted sending a shipload of Jewish refugees back to Nazi Germany. Likewise, documents strongly suggest that Anne Frank was deinied a refugee visa in 1941. Despite this, she lived a long and happy life; her uplifting diary is still read in schools today. Yes, that's totally what happened. Just go with it.

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Nation Startled that Democrats Taking Election Seriously

October 14th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Yesterday, Americans viewing CNN discovered, to their surprise, that the Democratic Party is apparently taking this whole 'election' thing pretty seriously. Those viewers who did not immediately move on after realizing that Donald Trump was not going to appear were subjected to two hours of meaningful debate about the issues facing America, rather than rambling, shouting, and personal attacks. Viewers described being "shocked and horrified" when presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders said of the scandal dogging his opponent Hillary Clinton, "The American People are sick and tired of hearing about your damn emails! [...] Enough of the emails, lets talk about the real issues facing America!" Sanders has apparently failed to realize that a good politician attacks his opponents using overblown scandals, rather than defending said opponents. By the end of the debate, the few brave viewers who had stuck all the way through said, variously, that "It was just a dare from my friend!", "Jim Webb is my uncle", "Lincoln Chaffee is my uncle!", "I fell asleep", "I never gave up hope that Donald Trump would somehow end up on stage", and "I was tied to a table".

Although the outcome of the debate in regards to polling is unclear, Lincoln Chaffee has already seen his support base grow from "imaginary" to "very, very small". Jim Webb, by contrast, has had to fend off conspiracy theorists who claim that he is the same person as South Carolina senator and Republican presidential candidate Lindsey Graham. Supporters of the theory point out that the two candidate look similar, have both served as southern senators, are both vaguely racist, have somewhat similar positions, poll at similar levels, and have never been seen together. (Okay, there is at least one clearly doctored photograph and one fake video of them together, but that's not the point!) The growing crowd of believers call the theory 'Jimsey' and tweet with the #JimseyTruth. Neither candidate has yet responded to their tweets.

Regardless of the fate of Graham/Webb's candidacy, the debate signals the start of the real democratic race, which will probably be very boring unless Lincoln Chaffee demands that his polling numbers be measured in metric.

GraciousIndignation
21st August 2017

Fabulous.


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After Trump Announces Immigration Plan, RNC Chair Reince Priebus Announces Plan to Drink Heavily

August 22nd 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Following GOP frontrunner Donald Trump's controversial immigration plan this week, Republican National Committee Chairman and Harry Potter spell Reince Priebus announced his own plan to spend the next few months consuming copious amounts of alcohol. The plan begins is for Mr. Priebus to begin by drinking a few Miller Lites after dinner each night, and slowly escalate through wines, vodka, and tequila, and eventually end by constantly gulping Jim Bean Whiskey. At the conclusion of Mr. Priebus' plan, he will spend most of his time passed out on the street in front of the Republican Secret Headquarters building asking passers-by if Donald Trump is gone yet.

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Nation Wishes It Could Just Have A Few Weeks Between Mass Shootings

July 25th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

After another mass shooting this week, this time in Lafayette, Louisiana, the American people came together to mourn and to ask if maybe we can have a break between mass shootings, please? The Lafayette shooting follows a shooting that took place on two Chattanooga, Tennessee military bases a week earlier, leading Americans to ask if two weeks, tops, is too much to ask for between senseless atrocities? The Chattanooga shooting itself occurred less than a month after a shooting at a church in Charleston, SC that killed nine people including a state legislator, which in turn probably followed something else but at this point there have been so many that we can't even keep track. For more information, see our coverage of the UCA Santa Barbra shooting, something which I had totally forgotten about despite the fact that it was barely a year ago and seven people died, proving my point.

But despite the fact that mass shootings are now as much a part of American life as naked pics, snapchat, and that "oh shit" moment when snapchat tells you that someone screenshotted your naked pic, Americans told us that they would at least like to finish burying the victims before more victims needed to be buried. "It's kind of crazy that by the time the funerals for the Chattanooga victims started, there had already been another murderous rampage," some guy we found on a street corner told News from Rockettopia. "These deranged psychopaths should show some respect." As America briefly takes a moment to mourn the victims of Lafayette, it also takes a moment to begin digging the graves for the victims of the next mass shooting, which is expected sometime in the next few months.

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Museum of Assholery Announces New "Donald J. Trump Hall"

July 19th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Following comments by the real estate mogul and - *cringe* - presidential candidate Donald Trump yesterday, the Museum of Assholery announced that they would be constructing a new "Donald J. Trump Hall". This decision stems from Trump's remarks regarding distinguished Senator John McCain, who was captured and tortured while serving in Vietnam. The Museum, located in - where else? - Newark, New Jersey, said that while the hall is still being designed, it would aim to provide "A complete perspective on the monster that is Donald Trump". What is known already is that, when completed, the Hall will be "The finest, classiest, most luxurious hall of any hall ever built!" Preliminary plans call for a two-story hall three hundred by one hundred meters, although designers have said that packing all of Trump's achievements into such a size hall would be a "challenge", and featuring Trump's recent remarks about McCain above the main entrance. "[John McCain]'s not a war hero," the sign will read in four meter tall gold-embossed letters. "He's a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren't captured."

The Museum's director, Arnold A. Griffith, said in a press release that Trump himself would be paying all costs for the exhibit. "We just gave him the paperwork and told him that we wanted to build a hall honoring his life and legacy, and he went crazy. He started drooling and hyperventilating, and signed everything we put in front of him, even the business card we gave him as we were leaving." As an afterthought, Griffith added, "I think I saw him unzipping his pants as I was walking out the door."

Once the hall is completed, which is scheduled for sometime in 2016, Trump will join notables such as Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Harry Ried, el Chapo, John Edwards, Oliver North, Dick Cheney, and many others in the museum. The Museum of Assholery is open from 9 AM to 5 PM on weekdays, and from 8 AM to 7 PM on saturdays.

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Another Fucking Guy Enters Presidential Race

June 27th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

The American public joined together in a collective groan as yet another fucking guy entered the 2016 presidential race. The new Republican candidate for president promised all the same things as the rest. He went on to secure his crazy credentials by suggesting "let's just get rid of the [supreme] court". The addition of another, indistinguishable candidate brings the total GOP field to twenty-ish, most of whom, like the new guy, will prove comically irrelevant in the long term.

In related news, that fat, loud guy with the bridge thing is expected to announce his candidacy sometime this week.

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Donald Trump Announces Presidential Run, Promises To "Make this thing more entertaining"

June 16th 2015| By J.E.Ditor

Billionare idiot Donald Trump entered the 2016 presidential race yesterday, promising to "Turn this country around", "Create jobs", "Destroy ISIS", and "Make this whole thing much more interesting". Trump, a known asshole and far-right celebrity candidate, is expected to provide months of entertainment as he fails to realize that he has no chance whatsoever. Soon, the voters of Iowa and New Hampshire will be subjected to Donald Trump, but for now we have only his oath that he will "shake things up" and "ensure that this race never gets boring". As of this writing, Trump is outpolling Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Carly Fiorina, and Lindsay Graham.

Rockettopia representitive and presidential candidate Bill Stoner responeded to Trump's announcement by commenting "There goes my reason for existing."

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Shepard Smith fired from Fox News for Journalistic Integrity

October 19th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

After his four-minute rant about the media sensationalism and fearmongering around Ebola, Shepard Smith was fired from Fox News yesterday. On live television, Smith gave viewers an accurate picture of Ebola and explained to them why it was not an immanent danger, displaying a sense of level-headedness and sanity that flies in the face of the Fox lack-of-ethics policy. According to the Fox News release, Fox CEO Roger Ailes began personally drawing up Smith's release papers around the point when Smith began defending the Obama administration's coverage of Ebola, saying that the party not in power "needs to show that there is a lack of leadership". As Smith continued his heresy by saying that there was "no evidence of any kind of which we at Fox News are aware that leaders have lied about anything regarding Ebola.", the staff began panicking. By the time Smith told the viewers that "If that fact changes, our reporting will change.", the memo was complete. Smith's spot in the broadcast schedule will be filled by the new 'Screaming in Terror Show'. CNN spoke out in a press release condemning Smith's levelheaded reporting, saying, "While reporting facts in a reasonable manner, Mr. Smith has forgotten the true purpose of journalism: to boost ratings."

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Obama: United States Cannot Bring Peace to United States

August 20th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

As ethnic tensions continued to rise across the region, president Obama spoke out on the current clashes in Missouri earlier today, saying that the United States cannot, on its own, bring peace to the United States. Speaking at a press confrence on the White House lawn, Obama reenforced his previously established positions on ethnic conflicts in the third world. "What is happening in America right now is tragic. A minority ethnic group has experienced great oppression by the majority group, and this needs to stop. But the United States cannot intervene in every world crisis, and this conflict is one that I'm going to have to keep us out of. The two communities in Ferguson, and their extensions throughout the country, have had clashes and tensions for over five hundred years, and there is nothing that America can do to solve that. The people of the United States are going to have to sort this out on their own.
Senator John McCain responded to the presidents comments by requesting air strikes on Ferguson, but was unwilling to specify which group would be the target.

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Tragic Case of Military Brutality Sparks Anger, Controversy

August 16th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

Protests, anger, and yelling were sparked earlier this week after a teenage member of a majority ethnic group was brutally gunned down by a member of the majority. The teenager, who was a member of the local 'blaak' group, which is a majority in the region, was shot repeatedly by a militiaman despite being unarmed and unthreatening. The soldier's 'huite' community composes only a third of the village of Furgusonne, where the shooting took place, but controls the entire local government and militia. By all accounts, the huites, despite being thousands of miles from the nearest war zone, have armed their forces with automatic rifles and military vehicles. After the teenager was killed, his body was allowed to lie on the road for four hours before it was removed. The casual brutality of the entire incident has sparked protests throughout Furgusonne, which the huite militia crushed using tear gas and rubber bullets. Multiple American journalists have also been arrested and detained in blatant violation of freedom of the press, which is considered a basic right in the democratic world.
The shooting, despite its brutality, has only served to illustrate the huites' suppression of the blaaks, who make up only 13% of the country's overall population. In most areas, the huites compose a disproportionate majority of the law enforcement, and in many cases this leads to implicit or explicit targeting of the blaaks or other minority groups. In most cases, this takes the form of discriminatory searches of innocent civilians, but it often goes as far as beatings, arbitrary arrests, excessive uses of force, and, in a disturbing number of cases, shootings like the one in Furgusonne. Huites governments, which is to say most governments, as huites are disproportionately represented in politics, have often begun to make laws that covertly prevent blaaks and other minorities from voting. They have been assisted in this by the country's highest court, which recently gutted a key law that protected blaak voting rights. Although the blaak community undertook a massive push for equality around half a century ago, which overthrew the explicitly ethnic laws that existed at the time, it seems that the blaak people in Usa are still a long way from equality. The recent election of a blaak man to the highest office in the country six years ago has given hope to many, but some huites have taken it to mean that the ethnic tensions that pervade this nation are at an end, which as any reader can see is glaringly false. Until the entire huite community accepts that ethnic inequalities are still a massive problem in Usa, this reporter fears that the terrible scourge of racism cannot be fixed.

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Animals Without Complex Nervous Systems Such as Flatworms, Ann Coulter Still Capable of Basic Learning

June 29th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

Studies at the Rockettopia University, which is known worldwide as a prominant player in the field of low intelligence, have vigorously tested previous research on unintelligent creatures such as flatworms and Ann Coulter, and come through with flying colors. Planarian flatworms, simple organisms with no brain to speak of, are capable of learning and remembering behaviors.[1] The study also confirmed that planarians are capable of remembering things that they have learned despite having their heads cut off. Unlike earthworms, if a planarian is cut in half, both halves will regenerate into full planarians, and apparently retain their memories and learned behaviors.

Ann Coulter, by contrast, is a right-wing pundit and frequent Fox News contributer. She is also the least intelligent vertibrate ever recorded. Coulter returned to the news this week when she wrote an article condemning Football [Soccer] as a sign of America's 'moral decay'. According to Coulter, "If more 'Americans' are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time." [2]This kind of trash is so irredeemably stupid that I think no explanation is necessary.

With this recent outburst, it only makes sense that the Rockettopia University would include Coulter in their study of low intelligence, along with planarians, nematode worms, box jellyfish, and aomebas. Coulter was determined to be roughly on the order of the planarians in terms of intelligence. Scientists found that if they locked Coulter in a room and delivered a light flash followed by a strong electric shock, they would get a lot more funding for their research. In addition, Coulter would learn to anticipate the shock based on the light flash and blame Obama and liberalism for the shock even if no shock occured. The researchers state in their paper that they were originally planning to cut Ann Coulter in half and see if two new Ann Coulters would be formed, and if so, whether both would retain the developed association, but they decided that this would be horrific and unethical. According to the lead scientist, "It is absolutely unacceptable to risk unleashing another Ann Coulter upon the innocent and unsuspecting human race. One of her is already one too many."

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Mass Shooting Gets Little Coverage

May 26th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

After a mentally disturbed gunman went on a shooting, stabbing, and auto homicide rampage last Friday, leaving seven dead and thirteen injured, America's media responded with a resounding "Meh". Mass Murder, it seems, is no longer news. In a country which, in the last few years, has suffered shootings at Newtown, Aurora, ... pause while I Google this, there are so many... MY GOD THERE ARE SO MANY I NEVER HEARD OF! ... The Sikh Temple, Seattle, Oikos University, IHOP, Tuscon, Fort Hood, Virginia Tech... And those are only some of only the major mass shootings. Clearly, America has become accustomed to gun violence on a large scale, as it seems to be part of daily life now. The United States, as shown by the graph below, has far more gun deaths than any other developed country.

Source: The Washington Post

So it comes as no surprise that CNN being informed of the UCA Santa Barbra shooting sounded something like this: "And now we have some breaking news from California! A shooting spree at UCA Santa Barbra has left seven people dead... Only seven? I thought you said this was breaking news. Sorry for the interruption - we now return to Malaysian Airliner search coverage..."

Political observers predict that, with the frequency of mass shootings in America, Congress will skip the normal attempts to pass commonsense gun control legislation, yelling, and failing to get anything done, and simply continue with (lack of) busness as usual.

Sources: http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2014/05/24/315425094/shooting-near-uc-santa-barbara-leaves-3-dead
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/07/mass-shootings-map

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Ryan Proposes New Budget; Likely More Campaign Tool Than Legislation

April 1st 2014| By J.E.Ditor

House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan today announced that he would be attempting to propose an updated version of his trademark budget proposal this Wednesday. Ryan's budget will cut taxes radically for the rich, increase defense spending, cut Medicaid, and, of course, repeal the Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare. The budget proposal is strange in that it has no chance of passing the Democrat-controlled Senate, and that Ryan-Murray budget, which Chairman Ryan drafted with senator Patty Murray last year, makes a budget proposal this year unnecessary. More likely, Ryan's new budget is a campaigning tool that the GOP will use to rally their voter base in preparation for the midterm elections this November.
Source: NPR

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Congress Now Wishing it was as Popular as Iran

October 13th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

In a series of new interviews with anonymous congresspeople, ABC News found that, as of Saturday, a majority of Congress wishes it was as popular as Iran. As the government shutdown crisis continues and the Debt Ceiling looms, Congress' popularity among Americans has slipped to 5%, less popular than hemorrhoids and toenail fungus. At the same time, Iran has shown a marked spike in popularity as it's new president Hassan Rouhani has shown himself to be less threaten-people-with-nukes-especially-Israel-y than his predecessor. As Iran has admitted UN inspectors to confirm that its nuclear is purely for peaceful purposes.

Likely due to a combination of these factors, Congress' approval rating is now far below that of Iran, which recently got a fifteen percent global approval rating, which in Congress is known as a "High point". So it's not surprising that John Boehner is growing a beard and many Congresspeople wish they could have Iran's public approval.

However, despite Congress' best efforts, their popularity seems to just keep plummeting. Another poll has shown that the phrase "It's scary that these wackos have nuclear weapons." is applied more to Congress than to Iran and North Korea combined, and a significant number of Americans are considering moving to a place like Russia, where the one guy makes all the terrible decisions without having to argue with anyone.

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Shutdown Beginning to Impact Congress' Ability to Do Nothing

October 12th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

With the shutdown of the United States Government in it's eleventh day, journalists have begun to report an impact in Congress' ability to do nothing at all. According to The Newslo, "The last week and a half have seen a marked drop in Congressional inaction. If the shutdown continues, congress' ability to argue pointlessly and fail to accomplish even the most basic tasks may be altogether compromised."
Worse still, if the shutdown continues, we might actually start noticing.

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NSA Now Giving Dating Advice

June 12th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

With the news this week that the National Security Agency, or NSA, has all of our personal information and communications in a giant database, the question was raised, "What the fuck are they doing with all that?" The answer: Providing dating advice. In an attempt to improve the public impression of government spying, NSA officials are now encouraged to give dating advice to the people whose emails and phone calls they listen in on, said an anonymous source. "Sometimes when an employee sees someone who's really screwing up their relationship, it can be hard for a government employee not to offer suggestions.", the leaker from his hiding place, supposedly somewhere in Bhutan. "Now they don't have to hold back." Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel did not attempt to deny the NSA's new vocation. "I personally am glad that all these stolen personal records are finally being put to good use.", Hagel said.

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Baboons Object to Being Compared to Congress

January 16th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

In response to a spreading rumor that a collection of Baboons is correctly called a congress, the BaboUN, the spokesgroup for Baboons as a species, issued a statement condemning the concept.

"A group of Baboons is correctly called a 'troop', not a 'congress' [Source: Politfact]. But that is beside the point. Our real issue is the insulting comparison that has been drawn between ourselves and the United States Government. While we Baboons are well known for biting one another, howling at one another, and extreme feats of mysogeny, our species has never done anything to deserve the offensive label of 'congress'. Sure, we have our issues; everyone does! But just try to find a record of a Baboon tweeting his crotch to a woman across the country, or fillibustering his own bill, or claiming rape is the will of God, or listening to Paul Ryan. We are a distinguished species, and we will not tolorate this comparison. Please retract these statements, or we be will be forced to unleash upon you a devastating barrage of s**t, which, remember, is still cleaner than most of what congress says. And remember, unlike Congress, we are working to improve our reputation."

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Representative Bill Stoner: "I will vote to confirm Chuck Yeager only if Obama Admits he was Born in Lasagna"

January 9th 2013| By J.E.Ditor

Rockettopia's representative to Congress in Washington DC said that he would "Vote to confirm Chuck Yeager only if President Obama admits he was born in Lasagna." Critics pointed out that it was Chuck Hagel, a former Nebraska Senator, not Chuck Yeager, the first man to fly faster than sound, who was president Obama's nominee, and that Lasagna is a dish and not a location (Did you mean Kenya?). Representative Stoner was unavailable for comment.

In other news, the Representative's office stated that he was firmly and unconditionally opposed to the bill put forward by President Obama to ban all firearms, which critics pointed out was unnecessary as no such bill exists, and denied a rumor that the Congressman had engaged in an extramarital affair.

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Speaker Boehner to Senator Reid: "Go f**k yourself". We're Serious.

January 2nd 2013| By J.E.Ditor

Last Friday, Politico reports, House Speaker John Boehner told Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to, in his own words, "Go f**k yourself". Reid had publicly accused Boehner of running a 'dictatorship' in the House in order to hold onto his post as Speaker. Nevertheless, when Boehner instructed Reid to f**k himself, Reid replied with a surprised "What are you talking about?". To this, Boehner repeated, "Go f**k yourself." Boehner was later (We're not making this up) seen bragging about the incident to his fellow teenagers Republicans.


The Politico Story

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Americans Reporting Physical Revulsion to the Phrase "Fiscal Cliff"

December 30th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

Over the last few weeks, reports have been coming in from the nation's doctors that the American public has grown so fed-up with the constantly-used catch-phrase 'Fiscal Cliff- *ugh* -that any use of the phrase leads to a physical reaction. Reactions can range from mere nausea and headaches to vomiting, fever, organ failure, heart palpitations. Some reports have shown another symptom, buying massive amounts of gold and guns, but that seems to only apply to Fox News Viewers. Doctors have termed the unpleasant reaction of many to the phrase "PQEIC", which stands for "Political Quagmire Extreme Irritation Syndrome". The worst reported case of this so far was when CNN did a segment on the Fiscal Cliff (*gag*) from 7:00 to 8:00 Saturday night, which experts estimate easily resulted in more emergency room visits than hurricanes Katrina and Sandy combined.

Earlier Saturday, Steve Doocy vomited live on a Fox & Friends segment about the Fiscal Cliff(*ack*), but many doctors claim this may have been simply because he was sitting next to Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade.

To avoid exposure to news about the Fis- You Know What, the Surgeon General has recommended that all Americans avoid contact with Television, Radio, Computers, Newspapers, and Anything Outside Their Homes. The Surgeon General Added that, "Either way, this will be over in two days. If we don't go over the you-know-what, this will all nothing but a bad memory. If we do go over, we as a country will have much more important things to worry about."

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NRA: Democrats "Might use this as an excuse to save our children"

December 17th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

Warning: This article is unusually venomous. It's just that all those dead children was kind of upsetting. A spokesman for the National Rifle Association responded today to the horrific mass shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, with a warning: "This is a tragedy; Obama and the Democrats might use this as an excuse to save our children." The terrible shooting, which took place on Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary School, killed 27 people, 20 of them children. Democrats and gun legislation advocates have since begun pressing for legislation that would stop these kinds of horrors. The NRA, however, has pushed back hard. Here is a full transcript of the spokesman's speech:

"You all are by now aware of the incident that took place in Newtown on Friday. A mentally unstable man shot his mother with her own assault rifle, then traveled to a school and killed 26 more people, 20 of them children. This is a tragedy; Obama and the Democrats might use this as an excuse to save our children."
"This incident, along with others recently such as the one in Aurora, the shopping mall, the NFL, and the Sikh temple, has given the anti-American evildoers who want to prevent such things an excuse to press their nonviolent rhetoric. Obama has never threatened to pass any sort of gun control or passed any gun control. Now that he has won a second term, he may carry out the promises that he did not make! We must stall any sort of legislation until America once again forgets the shock of the news of another mass shooting. We MUST live in a nation where Americans never have to go through the shock and soul-searching that happens after a shooting. Because... in our ideal nation... this is nothing unusual.
The fact that Adam Lanza was able to easily acquire an assault rifle without going through any sort of security check highlights a painful truth: We need more gun freedom. Until every American can get a full-sized machine gun out of a vending machine in a gas station so they can quickly respond to a threat, we are not safe. Until every elementary school child has a gun they are trained to use and to carry at all times, we are not safe. Only hours before Lanza started his attack and a world away, a man in China also attacked a school. However, since due to China's strict gun laws, he did not have a gun, all 22 of his victims are still alive. We must not become like China! We are America! Remember, American exceptionalism! We have a nation that has eight times the gun violence of other industrialized nations! We must never give up our freedom to watch our children DIE!"

In all likelihood, he would have continued, but at this point the speaker fell over with a bullet in his head.

Sources: http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2012/12/15/gun-control-obama-shooting/1771417/ http://www.americanbar.org/groups/committees/gun_violence/resources/the_u_s_compared_to_other_nations.html http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/gunman-computers-may-key-connecticut-school-shooting-investigation-174438304.html

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Rockettopia to Send Washington D.C. Emergency Shipment of Preschool Teachers

December 1st 2012| By J.E.Ditor

As the the gridlock in Washington D.C. is beginning to seem like it might ease, as was once thought impossible, the Rockettopia Town Council yesterday decided to do it's patriotic duty and approved an emergency shipment of preschool teachers to help congress work out a compromise.

When asked about this decision, the head of the town council remarked, "I've had this idea for a while now, but the teachers always said that when a a toddler is throwing a tantrum, it's impossible to reason with them, and the same can be said for congress. But now that congress is feeling like it can talk about the problem, we hope that our best preschool teachers will be able to help them work out an agreement."

After the announcement about the emergency shipment was made, I caught up with a member of the crack team of preschool teachers who will be sent on the mission. She asked that her name not be released, but was willing to talk. "I'm honored by being chosen for this assignment, and I expect that we will be able to make some progress with Congress, even if they are more temperamental than any toddler I've ever dealt with. It will be hard work, but sooner or later the top legislative body in the country will understand that to work together, both sides have to give up a little to get a little."

Senate minority Mitch McConnell responded to the teachers by speaking to congress about the dangers of public education, but the teachers remain optimistic "It's a once-in-a-lifetime challenge, but I think Congress will come around. Otherwise, God help us all."

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