Sports

This bores me.

Athletes and Coaches Rush to Condemn DeflateGate - 'Cheating in Sports Should Be Accomplished Only with Drugs'

January 22nd 2015| By J.E.Ditor

After the discovery that the New England Patriots deliberately deflated their football so as to gain an advantage, prominent athletes, coaches, sports newscasters, and your cousin rushed to condemn what is now being called "DeflateGate", standing by the axiom that all cheating in professional sports should be conducted with drugs. Barry Bonds, who was indicted for perjury and obstruction of justice relating to his use of performance enhancing drugs in 2007, was one of the first to speak out. He was soon joined by avatars of immorality such as Lance Armstrong and Alex Rodriguez (Dick Cheney being unable to attend), who spoke extensively about the need to ensure that all footballs are properly inflated. "This kind of cheating is not okay", Rodriguez told the Football Herald. "It's dishonorable; not at all like other kinds of cheating such as steroid injections." Ray Lewis, who in 2013 was caught using Deer Antler Spray, a banned performance enhancing drug, told the Herald "The honor of football must be maintained. Tampering with game equipment constitutes a danger to the sport itself. New rules are needed to bring football back to what it should be: A bunch of men in tights, many of them criminals, humping each other and giving each other traumatic brain injuries in a game where feet nearly never touch the ball."

We attempted to contact Lance Armstrong for comments, but he is currently touring his future residence in an unspecified lower circle of hell.

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Rich White Men Defend Right to Work Blacks Without Pay

August 9th 2014| By J.E.Ditor

A large collection of rich white men suffered a defeat today in their quest to work a group of young men, predominantly black, without pay. The rich white men have established a business model that relies on making the young men do extremely strenuous physical activity for no pay. The young men are made to constantly practice physical competitive skills, often to the point where they have no time for education or socializing, and are, in return, provided with the bare minimum of meals and housing. The rich white men who make fortunes off the young men, claim that the young men are lucky to get even the tiny meals, living quarters, and basic education.

However, a judge struck a blow against the rich white men yesterday when he ruled that the rich white men do not have the right to use the young mens' likenesses without their consent or compensation. The rich white men are expected to fight this decision, along with any others that restrict their right to exploit young black men.

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BOSTON RED SOX WIN WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

October 31st 2013| By J.E.Ditor

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GO SOX! GO SOX! GO SOX! GO SOX! GO SOX!!!!!

Ahem.
Sorry.

Fans across Massachusetts, the state we will pretend everyone did suddenly not realize I live in, were ecstatic last night after the Boston Red Sox WON THE WORLD SERIES AT HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 96 YEARS!!!!!!!! GO SOX!!!!!

Again, Sorry. We have to maintain GO SOX! patriotic spirit here at News from Rockettopia.

Bostonians celebrated the Sox's victory, which shone especially when contrasted with the dismal season the team experienced last year, by getting drunk and yelling. This is known colloquially in Boston as a 'Wednesday'. When interviewed, fans responded ecstatically to the win, and many saw it as a sign of Massachusetts' recovery after the twin tragedies of the Boston Marathon Bombing of last April and Mitt Romney.


Wait for it...

GO SOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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New England Refuses to Accept that Patriots Sucked

February 9th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

Over the last few days, New Englanders refused to accept that the patriots totally sucked at the super bowl. Many theories have condensed to explain away the fact that the Patriots lost the Super Bowl by a staggering four points. The most common conspiracy states that the Giants kidnapped the actual New England Patriots prior to the big game and replaced them with a team of robots. Although the robots were originally programmed to lose by more points, the theorists say that not even robots could have lost to the NY Giants that badly.

The Supply Side Economics Club is still going to do an article in the Cornpopper, which will be reprinted here. The Cornpopper staff have supposedly attempted through every possible means to stop the article from being printed. In an unofficial statement, an unnamed editor said that the Supply Side Economics Club article was "So crazy it makes Newt Gingrich sound sane. It's like saying 'Screw the Poor' but meaning it. I must remember the yacht." He is apparently referring to the three hundred foot yacht that was donated to the Cornpopper staff from an unknown source.

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Joe Paterno Dies, People Immedietly Forget What an Asshole He Was

January 27th 2012| By J.E.Ditor

When Joe Paterno died on January 22nd, 2012, the entire world immediately forgot what an asshole he was. People gathered to praise Paterno, instantly forgetting that he had been fired from Penn State only a few months before for covering up the fact that one of his assistants was a pedophile. As one Rockettopia football fan said, "It's so sad that such a great man had to die so soon. At least he lived a blame-free life. He was always so kind and generous! He would never let anyone, least of all a young person, come to harm. He..." It is not known what the football fan said next, as at this point the reporter was laughing so hard he could hardly breathe, let alone write.

The History club has pointed out that this has become a trend. Once someone dies, it becomes unacceptable to remind anyone of their many shortcomings. No one talks about John F. Kennedy's playboy lifestyle, how he was constantly sneaking women into the White House under his wife's nose. If anyone so much as hinted at the fact that Martin Luther King Jr. went to prostitutes, they would immediately be slammed as a racist. (Unless, of course, that person happened to be running for the Republican nomination, in which case the person who said it would become the frontrunner) The History club says that this is probably also true of Paterno.

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