Westeros

News from Westeros. For some reason, only ten weeks a year.

Daenerys Targaryen Announces Plans to Conquer World by Walking Out of Fires

May 15th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Following her spectacular emergence from a flaming meeting hall to astonish a crowd of new followers, Daenerys Targaryen, Stormborn, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Queen of Mereen, 299 A.L. Biannual Vaes Dothrak Wet T-Shirt Contest Runner-Up, Fire Messiah, etc. announced her plan to conquer the world by walking out of bonfires. "The whole 'conquest' thing hasn't been working too great, what with Astapor and Yunkai being retaken by the masters and all," Targaryen told News from Rockettopia. "So I tried going back to the basics: walking naked and completely unscathed out of a towering inferno. And it worked again. Why should I go back to using weapons and armies?"

The new plan, according to a document released by the Targaryen dynasty shortly after Daenerys' emergence from the flames, is to arrange for her to walk nude out of enormous raging fires everywhere she goes. "One well-placed fire in Kings Landing, one in Dorne, one in Lannisport, and one in Winterfell", the report said. The venues commissioned to be reduced to ashes have not yet been specified - nor has the fate of their current occupants *cough*Ramsay*cough* - but the Targaryen report did contain a brief note that "Past performances are a good indicator of future results."

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Roose Bolton, Balon Greyjoy Dead of Fatal Convieniance Deficience

May 2nd 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Lord Roose Bolton of the Dreadfort and King Balon Greyjoy of the Iron Islands both died this week of a fatal convenience deficiency. Greyjoy's death was a tragic accident: he fell from one of the bridges connecting the towers of Pyke. That is the official story according to the late king's brother and possible heir Euron Greyjoy. Euron Greyjoy has since returned to the Iron Islands suspiciously quickly after years in exile, and may have even arrived before his brother died. However, we have been told by high-placed sources that Euron's return and king Balon's sudden deaths are merely coincidental. We have also been told in gruesome and explicit detail exactly what will be done to our families should we suggest otherwise.

But king Balon was far from the only powerful figure in Westeros to die of convenience this week - lord Roose Bolton has also tragically passed away. The North, which House Bolton recently acquired after betraying reconsidering their allegiance to the Starks of Winterfell, will now pass to lord Roose's son, Ramsay Snow Bolton. According to House Bolton press secretary Willam Karnoll, Lord Roose's last words to his son, shortly before he was murdered by his enemies, were "You will always be my firstborn." Anonymous sources have also reported that, shortly before his death, lord Bolton advised his son that "If you acquire a reputation as a mad dog, you'll be treated like a mad dog, taken out and slaughtered for pig feed.". We have also been informed in extremely graphic detail the fates of our families should we suggest that the late lord Roose was murdered by a close family member with a name beginning with 'R'.

We at News from Rockettopia don't generally like to take sides in political fights, especially ones involving people who could have us murdered at a whim, but we have to say this much: House Bolton is much better at laying out the consequences of writing the wrong thing than House Greyjoy. The intern who read their letter - which was written in what we hope was red ink and signed with a sketch of a dead baby - is still recovering. We wish him the best.

Our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of those who have died this week. Our congratulations also go out to specific members of the families of those who have died this week.

Correction: The letter we received from House Bolton detailing the sensation of being skinned alive was, in fact, written in black ink and signed normally. We seem to have confused it with the letter which we received from the Cruz campaign after we covered the brief sex scandal that involved Sen. Cruz. News from Rockettopia apologizes for this error.

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Alistar Thorne Releases Statement: "Snow Never Told Me Not to Stab Him"

April 25th 2016| By J.E.Ditor

Following his contravercial assasination of Night's Watch Lord Commander, Bastard of Winterfell, and very depressed person Jon Snow, Sir Alistar Thorne of the Night's Watch released a public statement on his motives. In his statement, delieverd by raven to all the major lords of Westeros, Thorne denied committing treason, saying "I have never committed treason. I have never disobeyed a direct order. Lord Commander Jon Snow never told me not to stab him." Thorne claimed that he "would have given his life for the Lord Commander, and followed his every order, but when he let the wildlings through, I really disagreed with him. So I got together with some other brothers, and stabbed him to death. There's technically no rule against it."

Thorne then quoted the oath of the Night's Watch:

Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death.
I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory.
I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls.
I am the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all the nights to come.

"See?", Thorne wrote in his statement, "nothing about murdering the Lord Commander if we really want to!" Regarding the three brothers of the watch holed up in the Lord Commander's chamber with Snow's direwolf Ghost, Lord Davos Seaworth, and Lady Melisandre, Thorne wrote only, "There's nothing in the oath about killing them either."

When reached for comment, Free Folk leader Tormund Giantsbane, who owes his life to the late Lord Commander Snow, glared and brandished his sword at our reporter.

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